I am officially out of Africa.
For a long period of time I really thought the day would never come when I was finally out of that piece of land! Nearly everyday I struggled with choosing in, choosing joy, and choosing to be completely present. Some days I fought with all I had. Most days I failed miserably. I was stretched, pruned, and emptied in more ways I thought was humanly possible. I was so broken by the injustice I witnessed that I started to become bitter, angry, and resentful.
I was disgusted how the people were blaspheming the Holy Spirit. I was sick of watching men take women out of the crowd, spin them around until they couldn’t stand straight, push them to the ground, and pick them up only to pull their hair or slap them in the face… and calling this the Holy Spirit.
I was disgusted that everyday I had to hear small children screaming as they were getting beat with a rod, powder thrown in their face, and then laughed at as the men praised themselves for the torture they had just committed.
I was disgusted that God is only about power and miracles.
I was disgusted that the men would scream in tongues for a few hours starting at 5 AM into the women’s bedrooms to “cast out all the demons” we had… just for being women.
I was disgusted that “christians” don’t love the least of these. I was disgusted that the lame, sick, and hurting are seen as insignificant and people with demons in them.
For most of my time in Africa I complained, shook my head, and walked away instead of fueling my grievances into a place of praying and fasting for God’s beloved children. The truth is He loves them despite all of these things. He loves them so much that He sent us there to fight for them so that they may experience His love, grace, and compassion. I had so much being thrown in my face that I got to a point where I no longer knew how to fight though. Even just being took everything out of me. I had lost perspective and, unfortunately, I became mad and aggravated at almost every situation I was faced with. I was so consumed with my uncomfortableness that I rarely stopped to seek where God was in all of it.
I began to realize I had little hope. God had sent us to these nations because His desire is that none of His children would perish, yet I couldn’t even trust that change was occurring. I was being ruled by what I was seeing rather than trusting in the things I couldn’t.
“Most of our problems are not circumstantial. Most of our problems are perceptual. Our biggest problems can be traced back to an inadequate understanding of who God is. Our problems seem really big because our God seems really small. In fact, we reduce God to the size of our biggest problem.”- Mark Batterson
To be continued…
