Even when I’m scared, even when it hurts, even when I don’t understand.
I’ll trust you cause the plans you have are good.
Those are the lyrics to a song I wrote as I sat on the rainy step of the back entrance to Happy Hostel in Bucharest, Romania. Almost three months ago, I sat there as the rain poured down and these words came out of my heart as I was scared spitless, thinking about a certain piece of info God had dropped on my heart earlier that week.
I thought about my fears. I thought about how much it could hurt me. I thought about the fact that I could have misunderstood Him, as clear as the message was.
I sang these lyrics over and over and over until I believed them.
Little did I know, God had a plan up His sleeve to test me to see how much I really do trust Him.
I’ve just recently noticed a pattern of events over the past couple months. Certain things happening to test if I really do trust Him when I’m scared, when it hurts or when I don’t understand.
Cue shaving head. The thought of it scared me to death. You don’t really realize how much you love your hair until you make the decision to buzz it all off. But as I felt myself slowly talking myself out of it, I heard those dreaded words: “Trust Me”. We all know the end of this story, seeing as my hair is now exponentially shorter than it was. I thought I knew what trust was after I shaved my head.
Cue final deadline. This one was a little more rough on me, honestly. I came very, very close to going home. I fought hard to reach that deadline and had so many people lifting me up in prayer, but as the extension came to a close and I still had no idea where I stood financially, I could only do one thing. Trust. We all know the end of this story as well because I am currently sweltering hot in the heat of the night, misquito net pinned to the floor around my sleeping pad in dusty, sandy Mozambique; not Canada. But I knew when my deadline came and went that even though I was scared, I could trust Him.
January 26th, 2012. The pain of losing a family member and being thousand upon thousands of miles away settles in. I can’t even be in contact with my family because we don’t have access to internet this month. That’s the hardest part. I can’t even talk to my family, or be there for them in this time. As I sat on my dusty sleeping pad, tears streaming down my face, my own lyrics started playing in my head.
Something tells me that a lesson that I don’t understand is on it’s way.
And somehow I know that even in those situations, I’ll be able to trust Him as hard as it might be for me. He understands so I don’t have to. He knows what’s up ahead when I’m scared. He loves me deeply and feels the same pain I feel.
But most of all, I know that I can trust Him because I know He’s greater.
I’ll trust Him even when I’m scared, even when it hurts, even when I don’t understand because He’s greater than my fear, greater than my pain, greater than my misunderstanding.
