You know the beginning of that awkward moment in life when you smell something’s a little off and… quite foul? You raise your arms – deodorant, check. You smell your shirt – clean. Then the dreaded realization that the foul smell growing thick around you is actually poop. Dog poop. You optimistically hope it’s the person next to you or behind your seat. But then remember how you didn’t take the sidewalk on your way into the car. You aimlessly hopped about in the muddy grass onto the passenger’s seat. And after everyone else has done the awkward foot check and come out clean you know there’s only one outcome. Lifting up your new shoes, sure enough, there’s a thick layer of dog poop stuck in every possible crevice of the sole of your shoe.
This my dear friends, family and followers, is what my life has been like since coming back from the race. Unexpected, frustrating and down right smelly.
Please don’t get me wrong, it is wonderful to be back. Hot showers, carbs other than rice, free water (and refills!), washing machines, movies in English. But it doesn’t change the truth that reentry is hard as heck. I still want to ask my questions in Spanish because it really is easier. Why does the theater now offer 92 different flavors of soda? Hot Cheetos and Takis? How do I pump gas again?
I’ve travelled the world. I’ve studied scripture. God has spoken clearly in my life over and over and over. I’ve grown in confidence, discernment, wisdom, grace, patience, love. I fought lies, overcame temptations and casted out Satan’s ass more times than I can remember. But how is it that as soon as I step back onto U.S. soil everything I’ve overcome this past year hits me like a train? And I stumble. And I trip. And I step in crap more times than seems humanly possible.
Yet, after the year I’ve experienced why am I surprised? The enemy attacks those he sees as the biggest threats in their weakest moments. And I was weak, I was alone and I was an easy target to tempt. No one, regardless of their “seniority” as a Christian is free from being tempted. I began believing I was forgotten. I returned to my pre-WR apologetic state, even when I had done nothing wrong. I walked on egg shells and tried to ensure everyone was happy. I lusted after every cute guy that came into the coffee shop. Anxiety wrecked my body for a week to where I couldn’t eat or sleep. I stepped in poop over and over and over again. And let me tell you, I only have one pair of shoes.
So when did God swoop in to pick me up out of my own stinky mess? Well… He didn’t. He let me go on and make my own choices. Make my own mistakes. Experience the consequences of my actions. But when I realized where I was at, knee-high in dog crap, He still embraced me and forgave me. Smell and all.
In my life I’m beginning to see that with each changing season comes a time of weakness. And in every time of weakness comes a wave of temptation from the enemy that has the potential to slap me right in the face and knock me out cold. But, failures and all, this month has allowed me to see that I’m not done yet. I haven’t mastered sin; it’s still a daily struggle. But I see where my weaknesses are and bring them before my Father asking for help. And though I try my hardest to stick to the path, when I find I’ve stepped in poop again, He doesn’t just clean off my shoes for me. He gives me a brand new pair.
