Well I am back in the good ole U S of A. That’s right folks the promise land. Upon returning to US soil, I had all of about two minutes for it to sink in that I was home before I was asked a slew of questions pertaining to “my trip.” To say it plainly, it wasn’t a trip but almost one whole year of my life. That’s like saying how your whole year was. What happened to you? What was your favorite thing? Where was your favorite place? Imagine someone asking you those same questions. I don’t mean to say this harshly because I understand and would have asked the same questions to a person that went on a trip like this before I experienced it myself. I love to tell stories and let you in on my adventure with you, I do get joy out of it but I also get sadness which most people don’t understand. When I get asked those questions my heart just twists in knots. What happened to me? You want me to choose one moment for my entire year that has changed me for the rest of my life. What was your favorite thing. I have to choose between this really amazing off day experience to tell you about or the time when I just hung out with some of my closet friends and had the time of my life or my heart breaks because I want to tell you about all the friends in all the different countries I have made. Where was my favorite place? What. Do you want my favorite ministry, landscape, tourist site, best place to eat, closest friendships I have made or my favorite group of children that I worked with. I know what answer you want but I hang my head in shear anguish because you don’t really want to know how those experiences created a different me standing before you.
It’s hard really. Trying to adapt. I am not saying trying to adapt back to normal everyday American life because I can do that in a heartbeat. I was born and bred for this lifestyle of the American way. What is hard is to stay this person that I have become while being influenced by this hard hitting American, proud way. My brother said to me the other day, “American’s don’t have much culture.” I (now embarrassed that I didn’t have more grace) scoffed at him. We don’t have culture. Our society is loud and proud. My cousin, Grant asked me the best question yet a couple of weeks ago. What do you see about our culture now from being away from it? Whoa. When did you grow up? I was so impressed by his thoughts. I answered.
- Americans allow everything (nothing is off limits) yet are offended by everything. (Just think about this sentence for a little while and how it applies to recent happenings of today)
- Americans think that money equals success. The dictionary says successful means accomplishing a goal or aim is the definition of success. So when did American’s start using money as the definition of success.
- Americans are obsessed with themselves. Everything revolves around yourself, myself, ourselves. How does this help me, what are you going to do for me, that inconveniences me.
Guess what I am American. I now sit here and struggle a lot with frustration. I am by NO MEANS saying that these things I have observed don’t apply to be because they DO. That’s why I am frustrated. I have frustration because I am trying to be ME but now all of a sudden partake in these negative parts of our culture when I was just shown around the world what other cultures looks like. I am frustrated because the American way of watching what you say could offend people or thinking certain behavior is acceptable when clearly God says it is not. I fall into this trap of wanting to please people instead of looking only to please God. I struggle with thinking I wasted a year traveling to help people because I have nothing to show for it financially and therefore I am not successful. I worry about finances like paying for student loans. I am embarrassed to also admit that I was complaining earlier this week about accepting a job because I didn’t think that I would earn enough money to BUY MORE THINGS and I am not talking about paying my bills or necessities but luxuries.. BIG HOUSE, NEW CAR, VACATIONS, NEW CLOTHES, PHONE UPGRADE, ETC. I realized that God is sufficient enough for thee in this area and I have to keep reminding myself of that, daily. Lastly, I divulge into self-adoration like the next person. The selfies, the attention, the what about me attitude… you name it I experience it.
People I am frustrated. I am frustrated that I don’t get to share most of the important moments that happened to me over the last 11 months so I continued to be held accountable of the work of God that he has already started in my life over “my trip.” Frustrated as I grapple with what God’s word reveals and the American dream demands and our society says is right. I don’t want to become jaded towards the word of God and malleable to the voice of America. Now has become ever so true to me that the word of God is foolishness to our world. I am human, I struggle with sin, frustrated with others, I am merely of flesh BUT my feet are on fire for him and he has anointed my path, washed me of my sins and made me pure before him. I wish the most frequently asked question for me was: How did he make you more like that over this journey.
