Part 2: …And How She Came Alive
What does being fully alive mean? What does that look like? What does simply being
alive mean, forget the fully part. Is it
truly possible?
The presentation of this idea, that we can actually be fully alive here on earth, resonates as truth in the deepest recesses of my heart. My spirit leaps for joy at the prospect that it may be one day fully alive – that my life would be one fully alive, and able to give out the full life of Jesus Christ to others. What if…? What if this is really, really
true?
I am confident I have never been fully alive. I have had moments and seasons where I have been awake, but always a little groggy. I have loved Jesus always, but always felt more was available in this relationship than I was understanding.
The same problem I have faced for all my years till now is that I know so much in my head – I know what I should be believing, and it’s solid in my head, but hasn’t gotten deep enough into my heart to affect the way I actually behave and believe.
Why is this so hard for me? How can this still be the same problem after all these years?
I recall back to days several years back where I felt more alive than any other time. I experienced God in ways that moved head knowledge to
heart belief. I knew the Holy Spirit worked in power and empowered me to go into this life, full of Him, touching other people’s lives with the same power. I walked in this full life and power for a time, (though still not fully alive, I don’t believe) and loved it. But somehow, I let it go, allowing the rest of my ‘life’ take priority, and
distorting my view of truth. I convinced myself that I would be fine, but I knew I was dying, losing my grasp on the
reality I lived in for a while.
A few years went by, feeling like I was only just existing as a ‘good enough Christian’, knowing and sensing in my spirit that there was so much more to be had and experienced – a
greater intimacy with Jesus that I wasn’t walking in. I look back and see that even when I was weak and
felt no true life in my blood,
God consistently
proved himself faithful and touched people through me. I am still amazed at how much Jesus still shines through me when I am unaware.
God never left me alone, and continued to call me forward into relationship with him through various steps, including leaving home again, and going through more brokenness and pain. The call to the
World Race was not simply a stepping stone, but rather a
catapult, into deeper relationship with Jesus Christ.
The journey to new and fuller life has been consistent since the beginning of this Race, with small breakthroughs here and there, and the life changing one most recently. I came into Africa, knowing this would be ‘the place’ that my life would change the most, yet without any idea how that would look or happen. Would it be the
orphan kids…
starving people…
encounters with witchcraft…? It could have been any of these heart breaking and challenging situations, and they certainly played their part, but not like I thought. Instead, I just experienced God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus in ways I that I had before but forgotten, and in new ways altogether.
When the Holy Spirit fills in a new way,
it can’t be denied. My perspective changed, my heart changed. Purity was spoken into my life, and
He finished the job, and made
my spirit clean. No more partial acceptance of healing. It is
finished. It is done and I am made
PURE. He met me and I am
CLEAN. He breathed healing into the deepest parts of my soul, and
I will never be the same again.
I am dancing for Jesus again, worshipping Him, resting in His presence, loving His touch. There is nothing better than the intimate knowledge of Jesus, beginning to know and feel the
warmth of his embrace, the comforting sound of his
gentle voice.
I am new, and
ALIVE. Still not fully – I have a ways to go to ‘fully alive,’ but I know that I am well on my way at this point. The Holy Spirit is moving in me, breathing
life,
power, and
healing through me. I walk in a new light, a new countenance beaming forth, obvious to all who know me that
I am not the same as before.
I am determined that this time, I will not let go of this new life. I have had glimpses of life, and let it go –
NO MORE!
There is still more – and I am ever hungry for more. I will choose to seek out wisdom from others, knowing that the journey closer to the heart of God will never end, and that He will always feed the hunger in my soul and spirit.
I am called to be a
powerful,
confident,
dangerous woman of God; a woman that brings the
life and healing of Jesus through my hands, through my
dance, through my
prayers. I am called to be an intercessor on behalf of all the people I love, and those I do not yet love or know. I am called to
LOVE people in a deeper way, until it hurts me, but I want
nothing less.
I can’t settle for anything but the
best of Jesus, for the deepest relationship that is possible, and I will continue to pursue that till the day I die. I am choosing this life, because I am confident that it will lead to being fully alive. I will
embrace the hard things, the challenges and the hurt that comes through loving people deeply. I will
give my life away to all who God places in my life – in the States, in Mozambique, in Asia or anywhere else.
I don’t know what lies ahead. It doesn’t matter. I am strong, and will grow in strength; I will live with
JOY – the joy of the
Lord IS my strength. I am not and will not be afraid, because God promises that he will be with me wherever I go.
“Have I not commanded you? Be
strong and
courageous; do not be afraid or discouraged, because the
LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9
