Flight from London to South Africa, May 4th and 5th,
depending on which time zone I count.
It’s very late and I am quite sure that everyone else on the
plane is sleeping, but I am wide awake.
Missing home, missing my family, particularly my 2 day old nephew,
Aidan. I am feeling totally unprepared
spiritually and emotionally for Mozambique in a matter of days. I have a cold and I haven’t had any
significant sleep in 2 days, and won’t for nearly another day. Travel days are hard. I am fighting a stuffy head cold, so all
these things combined are making each thing seem more dramatic than it is
actually. I am aware that this is true,
but my emotions are still so tangible right now.
I’m glad for the plane engine noise that covers the sound
that my seemingly unstoppable tears bring, and for sleeping people who are
unaware of my personal struggle. To be
honest there is a part of me that wishes someone would awaken and see my tears,
but for what? My own sympathy. But I know my tears are to be seen and carried
by my heavenly Father alone.
How have I allowed myself to become so complacent in my time
with Jesus, in honest seeking relationship with him? I don’t know what will happen in Mozambique –
what things I will be exposed to, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I will make it through, no doubt; the
question is, will I be as God has called me to be within it all? Can I be the woman he wants me to be there
and then, when I didn’t prepare myself enough ahead of time?
I look out of the window into the midnight sky, but see only
clouds. I know we are flying over north
Africa, and I am suddenly overwhelmed with love for the people in that
land. I begin to pray for the countries,
for their people, for salvation and the knowledge of Jesus to penetrate the
hearts, for missionaries to set foot there and prosper, for God’s grace and
truth to be known.
‘Lord, I
know it’s dark, and I wouldn’t be able to see much, but can you move the clouds
so I can try to see the land?’
I continue to pour our my heart to Jesus, perhaps more
accuarately, he pours His heart into me for these people for this brief time,
and I embrace it, and the tears that come from that as well. Clouds still in place, I close the window,
and my prayers go back to my previous thoughts.
What should I have done to be more prepared? A lot of things – more prayer, memorization
of scripture, more time with Jesus, more time worshipping, etc…
But I know I can’t go backwards, only forward from here. How Quickly I am distracted, by things even
such as ministry and other valuable relationships.
‘Forgive me
Father, and receive my worship. Forgive
me for not being obedient in everything along the way.’
My heart hears him whisper,
“It doesn’t matter, Alissa. You are forgiven and my mercies and grace are
new and abundant everyday. Grab them and
go forward with me.”
A few more tears of appreciation and worship, and my heart
finally rests. I am ready to sleep
now. I grab my pillow and rearrange my
seating in order to get comfy for a couple hours of rest. I utter another prayer of thankfullness as I
settle into my window seat and empty middle seat – that is indeed a
blessing. Sleep can finally come now.
“Open the
window and see the land Alissa.”
‘What God?! – you’re kidding right? I just got comfortable.’
“Not
kidding. Just check.”
I know I can’t argue with my loving Father too much, and
besides, I am curious now. I get up and
my pillows fall from position; I turn and open the window, and again the tears
begin to flow. The clouds have
completely dissolved, and from the light of the moon and that stars that shine
in great abundance above, I can see the land.
I can see the desert below. Not
in detail, but I can see it.
This is how much my Father loves me – that he allowed me to
see this sight, the beauty of his creation.
But even more, the simple reminder that he hears my prayers. I am overcome knowing that if He hears a
prayer to move the clouds so I can see the land, I can count on Him hearing all
the other prayers that left my heart and mind.
And He will be faithful to answer them.
All of them… My prayers for
Aidan, Julianna, the rest of my family; team ZEO and the rest of the racers;
North Africa, Mozambique, Swaziland; prayers from my aching heart, my
confessions, my praise, and my adoration of Him.
The emotions have been altered now, from sadness and
feelings of overwhelmingness, to those of gratitude and joy, and I know that I
can rest now.
The clouds are back now.
But that’s okay. I have see what
I needed to see tonight. I have seen
God.
‘I have
seen YOU, Lord. Thank You. I love you.
Good night.’
I close the window and drift to sleep.
