Last week, I ugly cried. In public. It wasn’t my best moment. But alas, it happens.
(Almost) Two summers ago, I spent 10 weeks in North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina with Cru on a Summer Project. I can say with confidence that they were 10 of the best weeks of my life. God used them to break me into a million pieces, and then gently piece me back together again.
In NMB, I met some of my best friends, I learned how to forgive myself, I learned how to forgive others, and it’s where God opened my eyes to the hurt in this world. In NMB, I learned how that vulnerability isn’t a weakness, it’s a strength. It’s where I truly learned that Jesus saves.
I was in South Carolina with approximately 90 other college students. We lived a block from beach in these tiny apartments. I shared a tiny bedroom with 2 other girls (whom I miss SO MUCH), and it was so great. The 90 of us spent the summer sharing the gospel with coworkers, friends, and people on the beach. It was challenging, exciting, and so fulfilling.
One of the people there with me was a guy named Sean. Sean lived for Jesus. He was the epitome of a godly man. He shared the gospel shamelessly, because he knew the importance of it. He recognized that the only things that mattered was Jesus, and he cared for those around him so passionately. Sean was hilarious, kind, and goofy.
Two weeks after we all got back from Summer Project, Sean died in a car accident. I’ll never forget finding out. All of us felt so broken and hopeless. It didn’t seem like it could be real. I remember thinking that it was some sort of sick joke. I remember being so angry at God. I didn’t understand how he could take Sean away. Sean was sold on the gospel. Sean was influencing people’s eternities for Him. Why would he decide to take him away?
Now, a year and a half later, I’m still angry at God. I still don’t understand. I still wish that Sean was alive. I’m still not okay with it. Sometimes it seems like I can suppress the anger, and hurt, but eventually it wells up and out, resulting a explosion of emotion.
But God is sovereign over my anger. God is sovereign over my confusion. Over my hurt. Because of Sean’s testimony, dozens of people came to know the Lord. Because of Sean’s testimony, a girl is going to Uruguay as a missionary to share the gospel. Even though Sean is gone, the Lord is still using him to bring people to him.
I don’t want to be sad about Sean. I want to rejoice that he is now with his savior. I want to be happy that someday I’ll get to join him. Sometimes, I can. But sometimes, it’s okay to ugly cry in public.
