I’m in a period of indifference right now. I think it’s super cool that I’m going on the World Race, but I also think that I could be happy doing other things. It’s not that I don’t want to go, but I’m overwhelmed by the prospect of all that I have to do. My life is a never ending to-do list. I’ve had to become a morning person in order to accomplish everything that I need to get done, and I’m not okay with that. Mornings are not my strong suit.
I so desperately want to take the easy way out right now. To just write off everything as something that would have been cool, but I’ll be happy without it. To go to grad school next year. To live in the same place with a roof over my head. To not have to ask for support. To go to my best friend’s wedding. To be here for my other best friend’s graduation. It’s so easy to focus on the things that I’ll be missing out on. Because I will be missing things. I will be sad. There will be tears on days when I miss the things here so desperately that it hurts deep in my soul. And I can avoid that pain with a simple “no”. A simple change of my mind.
I’m having difficulty seeing the bigger picture. But there is a bigger picture. This upcoming year isn’t about me missing things, but it’s about others gaining things. Gaining eternity. When my selfish heart focuses on all of the things I’ll be missing, the Lord gently reminds me that my year is incomparable to the loss that others experience. They don’t get to experience the forgiveness of Jesus. They don’t get to experience the freedom that comes in Christ. They don’t get to experience eternity.
And that realization gives me the perseverance to suck it up and count my losses as gains.
