Journal entry from the end of my month in South Africa:
“Well, I finally beat the lie. The lie that “I am not a real Christian�. I always thought I was playing the part of someone who actually believed. That I didn’t fully believe in all of this. It’s so hard to believe… So, God is real? God IS real. He’s the Maker of Everything. And even though I can’t explain dinosaurs and outer space and the intricacies of the cardiopulmonary system — God made all of it. And why He made us creatures with the potential to sin, I don’t know, but he did. The greatest part about this whole thing is that even though God has created billions of people, he still desires a personal relationship with me. He speaks in generalities and specifics. I pick up the Bible and learn about his characteristics and what he desires from me. I speak to him when I pray and I hear his still, small voice. The way he calls me ‘Baby Girl or Beloved’.
I said this morning, concerning the World Race, he didn’t speak to me in the earthquake that was those nasty precancerous cells I had removed in November…he didn’t speak to me in the fire that was my personal relationships and how consumed I was in them…but he was the quiet whisper in the wind that said “It’s ok Baby Girl! Do the World Race. Find me thereâ€�. And I have. I’ve found a God that when I look up in the vastness of the South African night sky, among all the stars and the Milky Way, I have found a God that when I pray “Jesus, I need to know you love me tonight. Kiss me with a shooting star!â€� And MY GOD, one streaks across the sky! — I BELIEVE THAT WAS FOR ME. No matter how may other people saw it or prayed the same thing. IT WAS FOR ME. And when I’m traveling through the African countryside for 82 hours with debilitating cramping in my guts that can only mean a parasite, and I pray “God where are you?!? Take this from me!â€� And again a shooting star blasts across the sky and that still small voice overpowers my thoughts and lamentations and says “I AM RIGHT HERE. DON’T WORRYâ€�. Well, that was just for me too.
Now, God doesn’t have to make space trash and rock debris fly into the atmosphere to make me think he’s working on me. No, it can come in the form of demons flying out and off me. Demons I fought hard to make a part of my life — he ripped them off 2 weeks ago. He also gives words and messages to other people for me. Because teammates and absolute strangers can speak things over me that literally change my life (also, if you’re not currently praying for radical divine appointments, I suggest you begin immediately and enjoy the wild ride that is the Father’s love). And the crazy thing y’all, is I don’t even know God that well! Maybe that is a horrible thing for a missionary to say, but I’ve hardly read any of the Old Testament and seem to only pray these days when I need something, but I still know his truth. And when I finally buckle down and make the pursuit of his heart my life work, then I’m sure I’ll have an infinite number of things to write about. But for now I’ll stick to shooting stars and whispers from my Abba to get me through the hard times and doubting days.�
That was a bit of a vulnerable, raw day for me. It’s just that I’m always working so hard on myself. Ministry is second hand to what the World Race actually is for me. With 3 and a half months left until I’m stateside again, I am working like crazy to come back looking more like Jesus than ever…which I said in my last blog will have me looking more like myself too. World Racing is exhausting and the best thing God has ever provided for me
