To be honest, this blogging thing is really hard for me. I'm realizing it's hard for me to open up. Even to myself.
As I try to reflect and think about what I'm doing, what God is doing in my life, and what I'm learning, I draw blanks. I suck at reflecting.
I used to think I'm the type of person who lives in the present, and that I just don't need to waste my time thinking about the past. I turned not reflecting into a good thing. But, I'm realizing now that I don't reflect because – to be honest – sometimes I just don't think my life is worth reflecting on. Or that my life matters enough to really sit and think about that much. It's easy for me to go through the motions without thinking about where I've been or where I'm going.
To be even more honest, sometimes I feel like I'm faking who I am. That I'm a fraud. That I'm pretending to be smart and pretty, but that I'm neither. And I don't want anyone to find out the truth. I question my worth. I base my value on what people think of me. Whether people want to spend time with me. And I tend to pull away from friends, and even family, because I feel like based on what little I bring to the table, I must be a burden, and should just mind my own business.
Who is this sad, pathetic person?! Do I really believe these things about myself?? I can take comfort in knowing that these lies are not my own, and that they're not unique to me. I'm confident most people question themselves in the same ways. And let's be honest. I think the devil uses the same old tactics on most of us.
Let me rebuke these lies satan tells me about myself and remember who God says I am.
Let me write out one of my recent prayers from my journal – remembering who I am in Christ.
Lord,
I know you made me exactly how you want me. You made me, so you determine my worth. And you think I'm valuable enough to die for. You did die for me.
You crush every lie satan tries to tell me. You created me with a specific purpose in mind and Your hand is all over my life. Even when I don't see the good qualities in myself, You do, and you have a great use for me.
Thank you that you will use me in a huge way on The World Race. Thank you for all the divine encounters you already have in store for our team. Thank you for the ways you plan to challenge me and shape me and grow me in ways I couldn't imagine. Thank you for the ways you will specifically use me to change people's lives and direct them towards you. Thank you for all the small ways you will allow me to encourage people, care for people, love people, pray for people, and impact people for the better. Thank you for the ways you plan to draw me closer to You in the process.
Thank you that even when I doubt myself, you never doubt me. You made me exactly how you want me, and You know what you're capable to do through me. You are not constrained by time and you know all the great plans you have for my life. Help me trust you for that!
And thank you for all the ways you are divinely acting in the lives of my family and friends. In the ways I see and the ways I don't. Thank you for caring about each and every one of them more than I could ever imagine. Thank you that you made each of them with love and care, and gave them amazing and unique and beautiful qualities that are dear to me. Help them all remember and learn and understand who they are in You.
My goal for myself, from this year forward, is to not dwell on who I once was. Instead I will reflect on and learn from my past, remember who I am in Christ, and look towards who God is growing me to be.
"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion" (Philippians 1:6).
"It is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" (Philippians 2:13).
Thanks for reading!
