Throughout this entire year, the Lord has brought me through freedoms and has taken me to new heights. However, as you may know, I am an onion; I am constantly peeling off new layers of myself-the ugly parts.
While in Kenya, occurrences happened that brought back fear into my life. The one issue I thought I had most freedom from was now confronting me in my face like a predator does with its prey. My whole life I have had experiences with men that would breathe fear into anyone. It got so bad during my teen years that I actually became a feminist (that is another story for another time, though). So the fear of men crept back up into my life and for the past three months, I have been running away from the issue.
I absolutely LOVE the men on my squad-I am truly blessed to even know these true men of God. However, my insecurity had gotten the best of me and I began slowly building my wall up again. I then began to realize that the wall did not diminish when I left the presence of the men on my squad, but that it was still up for every person to try to break down; I became that child again.
It is easy to not get hurt when you do not let yourself be noticed.
I found that the one thing that irritates me the most about people was exactly the thing that became my face-mask: fakeness.
Last month I had a day where I decided I wanted nothing but alone time-just being me. I was listening to the band No Doubt (hands up-“WooHoo”) when the song “Magic’s in the Makeup” came on. So, I have come to the conclusion that when Jesus wants to be heard, HE will use ANY technique that will bring what HE has to say to the light. At that moment, HE used worldly music to bring forth HIS love.
Here are the lyrics:
Can you tell I’m faking it?
But I want to be myself
A counterfeit disposition
Can’t be good for my health
So many different faces
Depending on the different phases
My personality changes
I’m a chameleon
There’s more than one dimension
I can fool you and attract attention
Camouflage my nature
Let me demonstrate…
Makeup’s all off
Who am I?
If you bore me then I’m comfortable
If you interest me I’m scared
My attraction paralyses me
No courage to show my true colors that exist
But I want to be the real thing
But if you catch my eye can’t be authentic
The ones I loathe are the ones that know me the best
The makeup’s all off
Who am I?
If the magic’s in the makeup
Then who am I?
Magic’s in the makeup
But I want to be the real thing
But the magic’s in the makeup
And I want to be the real thing
As I sat listening to this, I thought of all the times I felt the need to people-please instead of being the woman God has CALLED me to be; talk about a wake-up call! I thought of the times I felt the need to make everyone comfortable around me, so I would act in manner that was NOT comforting to me at all.
To be continued…
