Why am I having such a hard time Lord?
This has been the question that I keep mulling over while praying and seeking for guidance over my fundraising efforts. I have sent out letters and I keep talking to everyone that I can get ahold of. So why am I still lacking funds? Why can't I seem to put together a fundraiser?
I love planning events and I usually can put together some pretty great teams to help me execute my crazy ideas, but why is it so hard to do this, this time?
While driving to my sweet friend Caurie's going away party, The Lord and I finally excavated my heart deep enough to reveal an answer. I heard "it's cause you're afraid of nobody showing up, you're afraid of that feeling of rejection and abandonment from the past."
You see I was bullied as a little girl and many times, I would resort to running to my younger sister,Salwa, for help, especially at recess. I always played alone unless my sister and I had overlapping time, she would incorporate me into her games. I remember on weekends she would have birthday parties all the time, and once in a while the parents of her friends would allow me to stay too. I usually never got invited to the parties of my classmates, but I remember one party. I was so excited for this one party because it was the first one that I got invited to all by myself. It was at a park and it was going to be so much fun!
I was enjoying myself on the swings and running around on the slide, had the cake and was pretty proud of my success… FRIENDS. Finally friends! That was until I had to go to the bathroom. It was getting darker as the sun was setting and I told the girls that I was going to the little girls room and asked them to tell the birthday girl's mom for me. The problem was that the mom never got my message. When I came out, everyone had left the area and my mom had not arrived. I began to cry! "How could they have left me?" "What if my mom got lost on her way there?"
I was so scared! Was I going to be stranded there? What was so wrong with me that they would do this to me?
I waited what felt like an eternity (probably 10 minutes), but my mom did show. She hugged me and held me while I cried sorrowfully.
Now scroll 17 years to my 26th birthday party… I had begged my parents to let me have it at the house. I had invited my friends and we were going to have a game night. My parents were not too excited about having this birthday at the house but they loved me enough to let me do it. So I invited my closest 65 friends knowing that some would not be able to join. I received 35 RSVP confirmations…. Score, half of them were coming!! My BFF Jen and I set up the games, she helped me buy some snacks, and we had a huge half sheet of cake…So on the day of the party we had 9 guests show up… I was so disappointed! I felt so rejected and unloved, but I could not let people see it. That night I cried myself to sleep.
You could say that I have enough precedent not to do this fundraiser and you could say I have enough grounds to remain friendless and bitter for the rest of my life. I could let my past dictate my present and my future or I could take it as fertilizer to help me grow. So today, I am choosing to break the chains of abandonment and break the ties to rejection and allow myself to try again.
I am doing it again. I am having a fundraiser event done in my honor and reaching out to people, which I didn't think I would do again. The driving force here is something bigger than me or my longing to be accepted. There are nations waiting for the ministry God has placed in me.
I see the Hand of God putting people in my path to help orchestrate this event. Like my event coordinator, Glenda, my musical talent, Marlen and Anzeo, my family who is ready to serve in any capacity and other beautiful friends who are willing to help. Now it's time to do my part!!
