“How are you feeling?” has been a common question in my world.
I have been told by people that they are excited, worried, concerned and even inspired by this journey. They want to know how I feel because when they try to empathize with me, their reactions reflect a myriad of emotions that at times they have never ventured to feel.
So here it is… This is how I really feel.
EXCITED.
Yup, I am excited because this is probably the boldest and most courageous thing I have ever decided to do. I am excited because for the majority of my life, I have wanted to go work with orphans in Africa and just hug them and let them know that I have always wanted them. I remember as a girl I used to watch these commercials for Feed the Children and I would cry. I would say out loud “God, give them to me. I want them.” I am excited because I am choosing to let God lead this journey and for the first time I am NOT in control of any of it. I am excited because the people in my world are being affected in a positive way with my decision. I believe many are being prompted to follow the “GREATER” thing that God has for them and realizing that they are a part of something amazing called LIFE. I am excited because I met my first fundraising deadline by midnight on the night it was due.
NERVOUS.
I am nervous because for those of you who don’t know me; I am NOT an outdoors girl. I believe camping out is staying in a 2-star hotel. So having to think about camping in my lovely, new 2person tent makes me really nervous. I am nervous about being in the wilderness with animals that I cannot control and bugs that gross me out. I am nervous about flying in tiny planes where I can barely fit and driving in cars that are driven by crazy wild drivers. I am nervous that I may have to eat something that I may not like out of courtesy and manners. I am nervous that my translator won’t say what I am saying with the same heart. I am nervous that I may learn a few words in their language and say them wrong and offend someone.
SCARED.
I am scared that I may not reach my fundraising goal and all my preparation will be useless. I am scared because I have to depend on people to listen to God and give towards my cause in response to their relationship with God, and not because they like me. I am scared that something may happen at home and I won’t be able to be there to help. I am scared that I have no control over what this journey holds. Although in reality, I never had control. It was all a pseudo feeling of security. I’m scared that when I return things will be so different and I won’t fit in.
SAD.
I am sad because I have to release things I love. I’ve had to move out of an apartment that I loved and sell many of my things. I am sad because I have to leave my students/kiddos that I love without knowing what will happen next year when I am gone. I am sad because I have to leave a program that I worked so hard to build in 3 years in the hands of another person, with another vision, without knowing if I will ever see it again. I am sad because I am leaving my family behind and who knows what can happen in a year. I am sad because I will miss Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas Eve dinner. I am sad because I will miss my birthday in the states where my parents serenade me with “Las Mañanitas” in the morning. I am sad because I will be selling the one and only car I have ever purchased myself. It was the first thing I actually owned.
OVERWHELMED.
I am feeling overwhelmed because I have so many deadlines and things that have to be accomplished in such a short period of time. I am overwhelmed because of the kindness and heart of the people that have given of their resources, time, money and support. It is very overwhelming to know that others have your back and expect nothing in return. Overwhelmed because I have so many emotions all at once that I feel my face has a stoic outlook because it could not possibly respond appropriately to all these emotions.
HOPEFUL.
I am feeling hopeful because I believe God has called me to this mission and is going to be the one providing the way and the resources. I am hopeful that I will experience one of the best years of my life because I have stepped out in faith. God would not have brought me this far to leave me here.
HUMBLE.
Most of all I feel humbled because the Great God I serve has decided that I was worthy enough to go spread His message of Hope and Love to the nations. I feel humbled because I am receiving encouragement and financial support from many places in order for God’s vision to be funded. I am humbled because for the first time ever, I feel my words really matter.
GRATEFUL.
I am so grateful that you would take the time to read my thoughts and journey. I am grateful that you have partnered with me to send me on my journey, and I am grateful for this experience.
“How do you feel?”
READY or NOT HERE I GO!
