The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
Psalm 37:23-24
I knew even before I accepted my position on the Race that the enemy would try to convince me I was wrong.
When I first discovered the Race, I prayed over it. Before I applied, I prayed and prayed and prayed. As I waited to hear from the admissions department, I prayed. And once I was accepted, I prayed some more.
I’ve never prayed so much about anything in my life.
Let’s back up a little…
In the summer of 2012, I decided to intern in New York City. Was I following God’s will? I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t want to know for fear that he would tell me no. So I plowed ahead to NYC and spent the summer pursuing my plans and, ideally, working towards my career goals. I came away dissatisfied, thinking that maybe I should have asked God first.
In the summer of 2013, God called me to Campus Outreach’s Summer Beach Project, an eight week spiritual training program. I did NOT want to go, and in fact had been avoiding it for at least a year, if not two. But having learned my lesson from the summer before and having promised God that I would obey if he called me there, I went. It was not an easy summer, but it was a summer full of God’s presence and blessing, and over it all was an absolute peace that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
It was fairly easy to realize that SBP was Gods will, as it was so clearly opposite my own. Verses that pointed directly to it smacked me in the face and indications that he was calling me followed me everywhere I went. Furthermore, in this case, there was absolutely no chance that I was misinterpreting my own will as God’s or reading into things what I wanted to hear, as I was vehemently opposed to it.
The World Race has been a different story.
I knew within days of discovering it that I wanted to go myself. I waited impatiently for the time when I could apply, pondering which launch date would be best. My roommates can testify to my heights of rapture-style excitement on the day the September routes were released (and then my depths of despair-style frustration when the internet at my apartment died, preventing me from loading the page until after I got out of my classes. I’m convinced that was a deliberate move on God’s part to keep me from daydreaming all through class). As I prayed over my application, I dreamed of getting the phone call, of writing my support letter, of clicking the link to my blog.
But through it all, I wondered–was I following God’s will, or my own?
When I read the Great Commission, was that really pointing me to the Race, or was I just mapping it to fit what I wanted to do? When songs played on the radio, was that truly confirmation, or was that me listening for what I wanted to hear? When my friends encouraged me, was that really a reflection of God’s encouragement, or were they just responding to my uncurbable enthusiasm?
I rejoiced as I sent in my first donation, confirming that I was indeed a member of the September 2014 Route 3 squad. And then I wrote on a notecard which I propped up on my desk,
The World Race is
NOT my desire, which God is fulfilling,
BUT his will, which I am obeying.
I told myself I was affirming truth. But deep down, I wondered whether I was just trying to convince myself of something that may or may not actually be the case.
A few weeks ago, the enemy began assailing me with attacks. People close to me questioned whether the Race is a responsible decision–whether I will ever make a career for myself, or whether I’m simply shooting myself in the foot as far as my future is concerned. People in my field of interest inadvertently reminded me of my lack of internships and experience, suggesting that when I return I won’t be able to break into the industry. And I’ve had to wonder yet again whether I’ve been following God’s will or my own.
In short, I’ve been stumbling–hard.
But the Lord has been so good to answer my prayers for confirmation! He brought me back to Psalm 37:4, reminding me,
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
I’ve understood this to mean different things at different times. When I was little, I was a fan of the glorified-Santa interpretation, thinking, YEAH! Ill get the desires of my heart! Except darn. Delighting in the Lord is a huge catch, and to be honest, kind of a deal breaker. Later, I realized that in delighting in the Lord, the desires of my heart would change such that delighting in the Lord would fulfill them: that as I delighted in the Lord, he would become the desire of my heart.
Through the World Race, God has taken it a step further, showing me that as I delight in him, he actually places new desires on my heart, and then, in an absolutely beautiful cycle, fulfills them. For me, the World Race is one of those desires: my passion for it couldn’t come from anywhere but God. I’ve been so afraid of following my own will away from God the way I’ve been known to do in the past. But in this case, it’s just the opposite: God aligned my will with his even before I discovered the Race, preparing me for a year of prayer as I sought his guidance.
Two years ago, I pursued my own will without thought to God. Last year, I sacrificed my own will to follow his. This year, his gift is to make my will and his the same, and I am pursuing him with joy.
I am ye of little faith of whom he asks, why did you doubt? But though I stumble in my call to the Race, I will not fall, for the Lord upholds me with his hand.
And I can say now with complete assurance, rejoicing and peace:
The World Race is
BOTH my desire, which God is fulfilling,
AND his will, which I am obeying.
