When you’re young, life isn’t real. Everything is make believe, and what’s most important is being silly and laughing, laughing a lot. I grew up on a dead end dirt road with lots of trees and animals. This was the perfect place to live out my daydreams of puppies and friends and Disney movies. I was too little to understand all of life’s complicated questions like why are we even here, and too busy actually living it.
My mom would bring my brother and I to church sometimes. She would come home, and my father would ridicule her for going. “God isn’t real… you ACTUALLY believe that stuff?” He would often laugh and joke about God saying, “I’m going to hell.” If you haven’t gathered, he’s a pretty pessimistic person in this sense. So my mom stopped bringing us. Parenting us on her own was enough for her to handle. My dad never really wanted kids, but my mom did her best to be both parents.
My dad was and still is an alcoholic, and the idea of father has always been slightly foreign to me. My parents got divorced when I was 13 and I was happy. Finally. It was about time. My mom and I moved into a house on our own, and my brother began his first year in the military. I took the divorce really well, as it wasn’t much of a change for me. My mom was and had been everything to me.
One summer when I was 16 I attended Ganderbrook Christian Camp. My cousins invited me and I thought, if this is so important to them, it’s only fair that I at least try it, even if it isn’t for me. I fell in love; everything about it. There was suddenly so much more to life than what I had ever been taught. People actually cared about you beyond “Hi, how are you?” “Good.” They wanted to know the deepest parts of your heart. Where you were scarred, where you were broken, what you were afraid of. They wanted to listen, they wanted to help, and they wanted to love you exactly as you were.
I absolutely fell in love. I was scheduled to stay one week. I called my mom and asked to stay another. We would sit on the front porch and sing all together, about joy, and hope, and love, and God. I had never experienced something like this. There was instant acceptance. There was no judgment. There was so much understanding.
There was love,
and the love was Jesus.
I was so fired up when I came back from camp. I had experienced what life was like focused on God, and I wanted more. I started going to church on my own a lot. My mom was working so much, so it was up to me to push myself.
In the years coming, I had a comfortable relationship with God. I knew He was there, and sometimes I would go to church or talk to Him. Though, I was so busy living life, God wasn’t real yet. I was still wrapped up in responsibilities and people and things I could actually see.
My freshman year of college I started dating a boy who I fell in love with. We became absolute best friends, and it was the first time I really let my walls down in a relationship. I still had a relationship with God, but it was comfortable, because, well, my life was going pretty well and I didn’t need more from Him.
I’ve heard a lot that some people don’t come to Christ until something big happens in their life and they really need Him.
I completely agree. You think you’re doing fine on your own until something’s taken away from you. What would you have if everything in your life was taken away from you? No family, no friends, no home… I started realizing that God was the answer.
When my relationship didn’t work out, I went through a really painful time period. Something I was so certain of, someone I was so certain of, changed so quickly. We rely too much on people. We’re imperfect, and if we all rely on each other this much, we’re going to be disappointed at some point. God became my refuge during this time. I wanted something constant; something consistent that I knew wasn’t going to change. And He was my ultimate comfort.
Within the past couple years; God has started to become real to me. I started wondering, what if I were to die tomorrow… what do I even believe in? I see stories of people who are on their death bed, suddenly panicking, and wondering, is there a God? I don’t want to get to that point. I want to live my life right now taking it seriously. I recognize that tomorrow isn’t promised and try to live every day as if it was my last. Do I really need to hold this grudge? Would I regret it if something serious happened? Who haven’t I told that I love them, who haven’t I appreciated enough? If I knew I was dying… what in my life would matter most? What do I even believe in? To me, this matters.
Becoming a Christian has filled a deeper connection that I’ve always seemed to long for. I think we all have it. This hole. That feeling at night, when the day is done, and you feel alone. That feeling when you’re not sure what you even stand for. That feeling when you want to be completely loved and understood, when you want someone to really know you. I’ve learned people fill it with other things. Money, material things, relationships, stuff. We fill and fill and fill this hole, trying to fill it up, longing for connection.
Before I knew about Jesus, I wasn’t as happy. I was longing for comfort, for answers, for acceptance, and I wasn’t getting enough of it. I would often find myself half way full. Consistently happy on a medium scale. I thought what am I even living for? What is life? What am I doing here? I think we’ve all had these thoughts.
I can say that since I’ve become a Christian, and when I’m actively pursuing a relationship with God and Jesus, I’m a better person. He has given me identity, answers, comfort that I’ve never felt before. He has been able to heal hurts that I never saw going away. He has encouraged me to pray for those who hurt me. He has taught me that the answer is always love. He wants us to love above all else. He’s taught me to be responsible, and a woman of my word.
He’s taught me not to hold onto things in this world, because it is only temporary. He has taught me to be positive and see the good in everything. He has taught me to be patient and kind, unselfish and helpful. To do crazy, radical things like travel to 11 countries and volunteer my time and energy. He has taught me to truly live, to live without fear, but with peace of mind. Because He is all that we need.
I’ve heard that it takes just as much faith to believe in Jesus as it does not to. Either way you’re spending the same amount of energy. I took a leap of faith and tried believing.
And it was the best decision I have ever made.