Who Am I?!?!?!? part 1

My heart has been heavier this last month. It has hurt like no other, but God is doing some ground breaking things in me. I spent a day  of ministry off, to hear God and try to figure out what was going on. Have you ever had a heavy heart and not known why? Well this was me. My heart was hurting and I felt down. I was sure the Lord was trying to bring something to my attention and I was not getting it. I was feeling fearful that something was wrong with me! Maybe I was becoming depressed?!?  After a full day of journaling, praising, quiet, and talking to God I still felt troubled. Yet I knew that God was trying to talk to me about my core, the very center of who I am.

 

Then one of my team mates (Melanie) got home and came to talk with me. I started crying as we chatted and prayed about what was going on in our lives! After a full day of no crying, I cried. (Crying for me during prayer is a sure sign that I am “picking up what HE is putting down.” ) I realized that I had a sin in my life that I was trying to get rid of without God and without even knowing the root cause. I am going to be vulnerable here, because this is how I learn. When others share their struggles I know they are being real, so I am am going to be real with you here, today.

 

I have been dependent on people most of my whole life for validation and affirmation. I believe the stem is from a verbally abusive first grade teacher. So from a young age I began to try to make peole like me and cover up this lie I was believing. I have been telling people my “love language” is words of affirmation. In many ways I relied on others thoughts to tell me who I was. But this is all a lie! I am a child of God and I do not NEED people to affirm me. I do not need to change who I am around different people due to insecurites. I have been trying to find myself through who others say I am. I find myself going out onto the mission field and tell everyone, who they are in God, but here I found myself not truly believeing it for myself. I have been insecure and not accepting what my God says about me. 

 

 Back to the part where Melanie is praying with me and I am crying. This is another “double pumpin it” moment  of crying. Melanie suddenly said,”…in Jesus’ name I cut this tie of dependancy.” And in that instant, I felt a heavy burden lift and I stopped crying. It was like I was shocked to feel something literally leave me. God turned off the faucet in my eyes! It is hard to explain but I believe Satan had a hold of me through Dependancy. But that is gone now.

 

My friend and squad mate, Maithili told me this story and it rang true for me:

Imagine yourself on top of a mountain looking out at a sunrise, kissing the peaks of snow covered mountains and you are witih God. He says look, isn’t this amazing and beautiful? Imagine saying back to Him, “God, I hear what you are saying and that is great you say it is amazing, but I just don’t believe it myself. I just don’t feel like it is true.” Well, this is what I have been doing to God regarding myself. And what a major offense that is!! If I am not for God I am against Him (Matthew 12:30). Which means I was supporting one of Satans strong holds in my life. I was standing on enemy ground. I will not always feel the truth about God or myself, but that doesn’t mean it is not true.  Circumstances and emotions are too fleeting to rely on for truth, especially when it comes to your very identity and relationship with God.

 

My mother had a dream about me the other night. After hearing about it, I know it is prophetic and true. She dreamed I was a little girl alone in a room with a ton pf birthday presents all around me. But there are no peoplke in the room. Although I am alone, I am glowing with happiness and excitement, opening all the gifts. I interpret this to mean that God has a whole bunch of gifts just waiting for me to open and even though I am by myself, He is there. These gifts are my identity. I am being stripped of all the crap I have created and being replaced with His truth. The more I come to know Jesus and who He is, the more I will know myself.

 

Here are a few of the many truths I accept as my identity:

I am a child of God. (Romans 8:15-17, 1 John 3:1)

I am Loved by God Alimighty. (John 15:9)

I am chosen by Him. (John 15:16)

I  am full of worth and no one can snatch me out of Gods palm. (John 10:28)

I am engraved on the center of His hands. (Isaiah 49:16)

I am the center of His eye. (Psalm 17:8)

He is enthralled by me. (Psalm 45:11)

I am made in His image. (Genesis 1:26)

He is delighted in me. (Isaiah 62:3)

 

I hope those of you who read this, do not post a comment to affirm me. Instead, Please read the list above and declare thes things out loud for yourself and choose to believe you are God’s precious child.