This is the third and final part of an amazing work the Lord has done in my heart during my first week in Ireland.
Read Part I of this story here.
Read Part II of this story here.
The day went on and the uneasy feeling in my stomach slowly came back, over the course of a couple of hours my entire being went from jumping around, smiling and praising the Lord to a near panic attack. I have never had a panic attack but my breath was short and when I saw one of my teammates, an overbearing amount of fear came upon me.
I walked to the designated prayer room and sat in silence asking God what was going on. I felt so overwhelmed and confused as to what was happening. I asked God why I was full of anxiety and why a glance from my teammate nearly sent me into a panic attack. I sat alone for maybe 30 minutes, I lost track of time as I tried to listen for something, anything from God.
I knew what I had experienced last night was real, I knew God loved me but again I needed serious help in letting go of what ever it was I was holding onto. The only thing I could manage to do was sing out to God the words I have decided to follow Jesus. As I was singing this out, Poppy walked into the prayer room (the prayer room is also her bedroom, God is funny). She immediately noticed something was wrong and asked me to just start talking.
I heard her voice and began to break down. I felt embarrassed that The Lord had just done a great work in my heart and here I was weak and in need of more help. I wasn’t expecting this to happen and I didn’t have a clue as to how to explain what was going on. With her smile and kind eyes I knew she was not judging me and I was safe to be weak. I knew Jesus was in the room, expressing his love through Poppy, and he was ready to complete the process he began last night.
As I explained my anxiety and confusion my eyes started to flood. In the middle of pouring my heart out, Jeff, my team leader, walked into the prayer room. I trust Jeff like I do my own brother and it was Gods plan for him to walk in at that time. I continued my attempt at explaining what was going on. I began to realize that the load God lifted from my arms last night had nothing to do with what was happening in Ireland. It had everything to do with a lie that was so deeply rooted in my heart that I did not recognize it was even inside of me.
Jeff and Poppy laid their hands on me, comforting me, and began to pray. As the words flowed from the tender hearts of Jeff and Poppy, I wept. I felt my heart burst open with a new found ability to love. I saw my squad mates faces flash through my mind and I saw them as my true brothers and sisters. God gave me a glimpse of the great love he has for them. As the prayers continued my anxiety lessened and so did the tears. I was still unaware of the burden I was holding onto but was so in love and so loved.
Poppy had one more word for me, that was straight from the heart of God. She said “I think you need to speak out and declare this for youself.”
The tears came back and I knew this was it. God was pulling the lie that was buried deep within me out. After a few moments of silence and gathering the courage to speak, I spoke. Through a cracking voice the words flowed out; I am free from the pressure of having to fix others and fix myself. I am free of carrying the weight of my teammates and squad members. And the last one was the weight, the lie, the burden, that God had taken from me last night; I said with tears streaming down my cheeks I am free from carrying the weight of my friends and family’s salvation.
I had no idea I had been carrying all of that. I turned a deep rooted lie into a subconscious truth over the years. I distorted God’s plans for me to be used by him and turned them into my plans to use God. I have said so many times that only God can change hearts and here I was believing that it was me changing hearts. Last night God prepared me to accept his love and today I finally allowed him into the deepest part of who I am. I am walking in the freedom that I was meant to walk in. The yoke of Jesus is light.
For the first time in my life I feel like I know what it means to live in the Spirit. I can feel the Spirit of Jesus Christ inside of me. That sounds crazy because it is crazy! Nothing is impossible for God.
All glory to God in Heaven!
