I feel like I have been grieving the loss of my own life. The person I am now is about to be dead, and that’s terrifying.
Grieving my losses is a painful and ugly process. For me it usually involves a lot of tears and a lot of heartache. But at training camp we learned just how important it is for us to grieve so that we can move on into God’s purpose for our lives.
The last few days I was at home, I noticed a new kind of sadness consuming my mind. I knew that I was sad to leave, but this was different. I felt like I was mourning, but I wasn’t sure exactly what that meant. Then one night I was having a conversation with the Lord, and He revealed to me that I was grieving the loss of my current life. I knew that once I began this journey, things would never be the same. My relationships would never be the same. My desires would never be the same. I would never be the same. And while this thought absolutely thrills me, it’s sad to me at the same time.
I think that often times it is hard for us to let go of who we are and really be willing to step into who God wants us to be. I once heard in a sermon that God loves us exactly where we are, but He loves us too much to leave us there. And that is exactly how I have been feeling about this trip. I believe that God is going to do so many wonderful things in my heart this year and is going to transform me. But I also know that change is a painful process.
So while I am completely open to the changes that are about to occur, I also believe that it is okay to have grieved the loss of my life I’m leaving behind. I have decided to give control of my life to the Lord, because I know that he has much better plans for me than I could ever imagine for myself. So now I’m leaving today for Albania to start this incredible journey, but the only tears I have left are tears of joy for what this next year will bring.
