“Every day we have a choice. We can let the fear of something that is so small compared to the greatness of our God cripple us. Or we can take a risk, change someone’s world. Life to the fullest exists. It’s available. All we have to do is decide to get up and embrace it.”
The first question I am usually asked after telling people my plans for next year is “are you excited?”
The second, “are you scared?”
My answer is always “beyond words excited” and I try to ignore the second.
The truth is though, right now, I do feel fear.
Fear of the unknown, the uncomfortable.
Fear of this reckless abandon, leaving behind every comfort I hold onto.
Fear of knowing and being known, fear of inadequacy, fear of fear.
I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t reach others, I’m scared that I will not be able to endure the brokenness of this world. I’m scared of the fact that this life is going by too dang fast and there’s nothing I can do to slow it down. I have 160 days left here, left in this home surrounded by my people. I have 160 days left of the most beautiful drive home, being able to sit on the counter and talk to my mom for hours, family dinners full of laughter, even less days surrounded by teams that have become family, a church that has embraced me, and classmates that have made these four years a great adventure.
All my life, I have looked forward to the future, I have spent years dreaming about the new chapter. But, now that it’s almost here, I just want it to slow down for a bit, take a seat.
I can’t help feeling crazy for choosing this new season.
I can’t help freaking out a little about this next chapter.
But, that’s the cool thing, I didn’t chose this for me.
Papa chose this for me.
And you bet your socks he will do something beautiful with the life he has made for every one of us if we simply say yes.
I see that beauty in my squadmates, in the way they love each other and The Lord so well.
I see that beauty in every dollar and act of encouragement I receive in support of this journey.
I see that beauty every time I try to imagine all of the love I will and do share and experience but can’t because it’s far greater than anything I could wrap my mind around.
I see that beauty in every moment spent with my family and friends here, knowing just how much they pour into me every day, and in the imagining moments that will be spent with my new family around the world.
So yes, I am a little scared. Yes, I feel a little crazy, a little bit like it would be so much easier if I’d chosen a more comfortable next chapter. But, Papa doesn’t want easy, he sure doesn’t want comfortable or timid. He wants us to lead earth shattering, eye opening, recklessly loving lifestyles, and so I chose to fight for this kind of life. I chose to say yes, to make my ordinary existence something extraordinary because of this love that has set me so free.
Thank you all for loving me through every moment, even the hard ones. I am beyond words blessed by every one of you who have chosen to walk alongside me.
XOXO
