That’s right, I said it. Alex, the missionary sent to the nations by her loved ones to impart Christ’s love, doubted big time. How could I not? You walk through an IDP camp, and then sing, “You are good, and your love endures.” I have seen real life movie type horror first hand, and it is not something easily forgotten. Right now it’s late, way past my bedtime, but my brain wont let me sleep because the questions are many. What did I do in Uganda that mattered? Whose life was changed? I spent 10 days (only 10?) living in community with the most desperate people I have ever seen, and was anything accomplished? We left this morning, and I am left wondering at the fruit.
Each time I went to pray for people at the IDP camp, I would reach a point where I had to leave in a hurry because I couldn’t take in any more. During feedback my team would say, “your prayers are so passionate and heartfelt…You instantly connect with people and I can see you relating to their pain.” It makes my human heart happy to be praised for something that comes easily, but my spiritual heart screams for more. How do I best pray for a man crippled by disease? What do I say to the mother of a neglected 4 year-old that doesn’t speak? Where has that family’s little girl been for the last 7 days? Praying heartfelt prayers and then look into their hopeless eyes; You die a little. Or you become a cynic like I was that first week, completely ineffectual.
A new week started with the above written in my journal, and the result…
A radical change! With JOY, I wrapped my arms around some sketch looking orphans. I held hands with children I had just seen wipe said hands in all kinds of places. I sang til my voice went hoarse. I prayed my heart out for the broken and forgotten. I didn’t take another nap, but entertained the little monsters that came a calling. I died to self a little more each day. He truly was our strength, and our attitude change affected how we served, big time. In the midst of it my heart is touched with sweet joys like “Penguin.” Anena, my dear shadow, I just loved her! He knows the unique ways to revitalize my heart, and get it racing and bursting with joy. He is so good. I have to trust that He is that way with all his children.
The other day Sarah and I went to pray in a women’s ward in a hospital. When we walked into the room with emaciated lifeless dying bodies I inwardly recoiled. Inside I yelled, “I can’t Lord!” But then to my right a young woman was moaning and crying while getting some sort of drip. I dropped to my knees and put my hand on her flaming skin and prayed for her “in Jesus name” until I felt her calm down. We went around praying and chatting with the women and suddenly I felt like we needed to sing. We had seen worship change our hearts in Keyo what would it do in this place? Alice, the lady translating for us whose own daughter looked the worst started a song and the whole room joined in, Sarah and I even sang in Luo! It was breathtakingly beautiful. The room was charged with this joy that I kid you not only comes from the Lord. We are not talking worldly happiness, The room was bursting with hope! Even as I write this I am grinning at the memory.
I have few answers to my questions. I didn’t change anyone’s physical or financial state. My prayers weren’t answered the moment I prayed them, at least not that I could see. I often felt useless in the grand scheme of things. I am not forgetting what I saw. I am just covering over it with a thick blanket of faith. I give up the load I tried to carry to the one whose very self is in and around each life. I guess I was dealing with pride, thinking I could do anything besides remind them that their Creator knows them, and is so very near to them. I learned that to give them hope is enough. It’s everything.
