“Do you believe God loves you?”
This question was asked of me during my first ever sozo meeting this last week in Moldova, and my initial reaction was that of confusion. Why would they ask me that? I’m a Christian, of course I believe God loves me! But then I really thought about that question, and my answer changed:
“Sometimes.”
Then I was told to ask God what stops me from believing it all the time; what holds me back?
He answered, “People.”
And all of a sudden, what I deep down knew to be true but never wanted to admit finally hit me square in the face: My biggest and most debilitating struggle is the fear of rejection (or need for approval). I simply care too much about what people think. While there isn’t a single source of where this fear/need came from, a lot of it stems from either being told (in so many words) that I wasn’t good enough for something or someone. And naturally, if a human is told something for long enough, they begin to believe it. I certainly did. And through that, I believed my worth came from people.
What I didn’t realize though for a long time is that this fear/need was also an obstacle in my walk with The Lord. Because I felt like I had to perform and work for the approval of others, it made me feel like I had to perform and work for the approval of God.
About 87% of the time, I know and trust and believe that I am a forgiven child of God, who is loved beyond measure. That other 13% is usually on the fence because:
“When we don’t believe we are good or lovable, we isolate.”
-Donald Miller, Scary Close
During this sozo meeting, after coming to these realizations, I was prompted to pray into those fears and insecurities, to cast them off
“Are you willing and ready to defeat this lie?”
“YES.”
Needless to say I was sobbing the whole time so words were hard to come by, but in-between each sob, as I prayed out loud for those chains to be broken and to know and believe 100% that I am fully known and fully loved by a God bigger than life itself…I slowly felt a release of pressure and a huge weight off my shoulders.
It’s one thing to hear that God loves you. But to believe it? To feel it? That’s everything.
So, knowing what I now know (and have accepted)…my goal for these last two months of the Race is to continue discovering my identity in Christ, and to choose to not hide who that is at the risk of disapproval. I’m going to push past the fear of rejection and the need for approval and simply be who I am.
{I’m currently reading the book Scary Close by Donald Miller, which deals a lot with identity and intimacy. Here are a few quotes from various chapters that sum up my thoughts…}
“I know we’re not perfect, but I wonder how many people are withholding the love they could provide because they secretly believe they have fatal flaws.”
“It’s a beautiful moment when somebody wakes up to this reality, when they realize God created them so other people could enjoy them, not just endure them.”
“I am willing to sound dumb.
I am willing to be wrong.
I am willing to be passionate about something that isn’t perceived as cool.
I am willing to express a theory.
I am willing to admit I’m afraid.
I’m willing to contradict something I’ve said before.
I’m willing to have a knee-jerk reaction, even a wrong one.
I’m willing to apologize.
I’m perfectly willing to be perfectly human.”
