“I’m Not Done Breaking You Yet.”
If you’ve ever heard God speak those words to you, you know it’s terrifying.
You also know that something amazing is about to happen.
Last month was my hardest month on the race…so far. It was all squad month in Draganesti-Olt, Romania, and from day one I could feel the pressure of darkness surrounding that city. Our contacts weren’t lying when they said spiritual oppression was a problem. I knew it was going to be a challenging month, I just didn’t know in what ways.
About two weeks into the month we were having worship together before our morning time of intercessory prayer. Everyone was getting so into it and I could just see the love for their Father in all their faces. But I couldn’t feel it myself. I had a pounding headache, and during the song “Wake Up” by All Sons & Daughters, I closed my eyes and immediately had this image of myself, sitting alone in an empty room with God screaming at me to WAKE UP…and I just sat there, unmoved, unaffected, and totally apathetic. And it shook me, because it was a terrifyingly accurate depiction of how my relationship with Him had been at the time. I went outside to collect my thoughts and hash things out with God, and when I came back in I wrote this in my journal:
“God and I are wrestling a lot this month. I say I can’t feel His presence and He says it’s because of me. I say it’s because of this place. I can’t focus. I can’t sleep. I can’t find the quiet I need. I can’t connect with Him like I could before and I don’t understand! This morning I asked Him why I was here and why I am feeling like this, and He said:
‘Because I’m not done breaking you yet.’
That’s terrifying! I remember what it’s like to feel broken and I’m not ready for that again. It’s hard, and it sucks. But it’s necessary, and I know that. If I want out of this darkness I have to be willing to expose myself to the light.
That same night, the men of G Squad put together quite an exquisite Valentine’s Day dinner for all the ladies. It was perfect, and it was the first time all month that I had started to feel God’s presence. And the fact that it was because His love was so greatly expressed through those nine men was incredible (I could write an entirely separate blog about that alone!). It was exactly what I needed to get back in the right direction.
Over the course of the next few days I started being more intentional in my quiet times, praying more, and really trying to seek after Him and this whole broke was thing. About a week later, I had another breakthrough if you will…and I wrote this:
“For the past several months I’ve been getting these images and visions of me shouting from the mountains and rooftops, and dancing in the streets and fields, and just being so completely in love with The Lord that nothing else matters and I just can’t contain my joy…
But I don’t know how to get there.”
Then God spoke SURRENDER and FEARS and FREEDOM over me.
So that’s what these next three months of my race are going to consist of. Learning how to truly surrender everything to Him and cutting ties to all fears and insecurities that hold me back from experiencing His joy. I’m ready to feel the freedom, to climb the mountain, to run into the streets, to chase those fields and free-fall into His love.
“Come away with me,
Come away with me.
It’s not too late,
It’s not too late,
It’s never too late for you.
Cause I have a plan for you,
I have a plan for you.
It’s gonna be wild,
It’s gonna be great,
It’s gonna be full of Me.”
