Ok, so maybe I don't have any children right now, but I will one day. And when that day comes, what a glorious one it will be.
I already find myself day dreaming sometimes of how much I want to just smother them with love and affection. To the point that they know I want to give them more from myself than anyone else combined could.
Currently we are in Thailand doing bar ministry. Basically that means that we spend our nights out in the bars for a few hours meeting both the girls that entertain the men and the men that entertain their fleshly desires.
The first night on the streets I found myself experiencing the unexpected. Typically I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone, small talk is my thing.
Not here.
Here I found myself sitting across from these girls ranging in age from late teens to early twenties talking so casually about how they need to make money to make ends meet. That it's "just their job."
I'm frozen.
Frozen in prayer.
I can't even begin to make small talk for my heart breaking for them, trying to pick up the pieces in prayer and get utterances to flow from my lips. Wanting to speak life into them as though I had the authority to do so because I already loved them that much and wanted them to know even more because of it. All the while knowing that they aren't familiar with that kind of immediate love and therefore my words would fall on deaf ears.
I sat and found myself enraged, not at the girls and not even at the men, but enraged that they have to feel so helpless. That the helplessness that comes so easily to them is ushered in by none other than my brothers and sisters, God's sons and daughters.
To find myself broken in asking for a heart to see these children as none other than my equals, perfect creations of my omniscient Father who knows the very depths of every soul He formed for a perfect purpose.
Thoughts begin just pouring and stirring and taking over my spirit only to spur the prayer, " Father, may MY sons never walk these streets, may MY daughters never entertain these streets, may MY husband never desire these streets. May they crave every street you've paved for them instead."
My prayer is not one that's asking God to eliminate the specific streets of Phuket, but the specific streets of my sons wanting to meet every fleshly desire they have or my daughters finding themselves wanting to meet every expectation that man wants them to and my husband finding me as anything less than the woman of God I'm ever seeking to be.
One of my deepest desires is to be a mom. That my kids will never question my love for them. A mom that is willing to be completely vulnerable before them with all of my flaws. A mom that seeks every opportunity to build them up as sons and daughters of Christ. A mom that undoubtedly loves beyond herself at all times. A mom that is perfect for their dad.
I know it's not too much to expect of myself seeing as I plan on asking God for every bit of His strength He's willing to give me.
While these children that aren't mine, and will never be mine, encompass this corner of the kingdom I pray that they meet their Father in such a way. Father, I pray that YOUR sons begin to know about You and stop just knowing of You, that YOUR daughters dance in the freedom you have to give and not on these streets anymore.
Daddy, how great your love must be for them.
