Brene Brown defines courage as “telling the story of who you are with your whole heart”.
I never thought I’d be vulnerable with myself in this area, let alone over social media. So the very fact that I am sharing this with you shows how great God is.
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One of my biggest fears about signing up for the Race, was what it would mean for my body. It was right up there with “being rejected by my peers” and “dying”.
I love health. I will continue to love health. I am trained in the promotion of it, and I believe in it.
But I’ve confused my body image as equating to my health.
I’ve confused my body image as equating to my happiness, confidence, and self-worth.
I’ve motivated myself with shame, comparison, jealousy, fear, disappointment, and self-hatred.
I haven’t done this all the time, but I’ve done it a lot.
God has been revealing to me that maybe the way in which to obtain health, that true holistic body-soul-spirit health and peace, doesn’t have to do with control.
But that hadn’t sunk in yet. What had, had been what I had learned about myself:
**********That I could not trust myself to take care of myself.***********
Terrified, I tried harder, to do better.
And it only proved over and over how unable I was.
More defeat.
It became normal for me to live my life out of a place of defeat, never enough. A lack.
I have a sincere struggle with gluttony. It’s an incredible source of shame for me because a lack of self-control in the area of eating is strongly associated with tags like “gross”, “lazy”, “unkept”, a general image of “not having it together”, “weak”, “unable”. Defeat.
It’s a raw issue, because as a woman, the compromise of beauty means everything because beauty means you will be chosen.
Chosen –
to be asked out on that date
to be asked for your opinions
to be befriended by the “cool” people
for promotions
for success
chosen to be loved.
Beauty means you will not be overlooked.
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2 Peter 2:19b “for by what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved.”
I have struggled a lot on the Race, mostly privately, because the last time I risked this type of vulnerability, was prior to the Race when I was critiqued, watched, used to be compared against. I was really really hurt. Defeated.
Here are some of my experiences…
I remember being mid-push-up one hot afternoon on our dirty Thailand roof, and breaking out into sobs and sobs of frustration, anger, sadness, and knowing I wasn’t even halfway through my Race, knowing control was nowhere in sight.
I’ve experienced being on not only my own camera, but on AIMs footage for their new promotional video. I remember watching the playback with a large group of us, and seeing myself throughout the photos and clips, and feeling my heart sink. I was so ashamed of how I looked. And it felt like my privacy in my suffering was breached, because the footage has the potential to reach thousands.
I remember dreading all squad months because it would mean people would see the accumulation of changes. I’d be hyper-sensitive to any glance or look.
I remember the first picture where my face looked rounder than usual, a dead give away. I couldn’t just take head and neck shots any more. The secret was out.
I remember seeing the clothes I had dropped, on someone else on my squad. It sucked so much to see them fit them comfortably, or be baggy even. It sucked a lot.
I remember the sting of realizing I’m getting uglier while my friends back home are getting married.
I remember calling my Mom and through our broken connection telling her about my broken heart over my broken self-concept. And I hated myself.
I remember telling my friend my strategy for the last 4 months…to avoid getting my picture taken. That way there wouldn’t be evidence for people to see, for me to remember. My friend looked at me and told me that she was really sad for me. And that caught me off guard.
I remember my squad coach looking me dead in the eye and asking me what I was setting myself up for; what happens when I have pregnancy weight left over? What happens when I age and I grow softer, physically weaker? What then? And I really didn’t know. She then told me to do whatever I needed to to not let this rob me of living fully and embracing my Race, or my life! She gently suggested that buying bigger clothes may help me more comfortable. The feelings I had were sharp and harsh. So were my thoughts; If I buy bigger clothes it means I’ve given in to defeat.
It means I’ve failed to look after myself.
It means I’ve let myself go, and I run the risk of never getting myself back.
It means I’m ugly.
It means I am less of a person.
It means I will be overlooked by opportunity, by happiness, by true love.
I have been strongly encouraged by the few people I have opened up to, to really take this issue to The Lord, because only He can make the difference I need in my life.
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On the Race, my fear came true. It’s month 10 of 11. I have chosen not to step on a scale to determine the weight gain in an official measurement, because it’s more about how I look and feel and not about the number for me. But I look different and don’t feel like myself.
Now I want to acknowledge an important distinction. I chose to say I look “different” and not “bigger” because I believe beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. But I also believe that when someone is healthy, they settle into their individual “best” shape, no matter what shape that is. And so I look “different”, meaning I don’t look my “best”.
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The Race had the potential for things to go very wrong. Think about it, 20+ women living together for 11 months straight. That means an all encompassing list of being with one another to eat, to choose bad foods or good foods, to share clothes and have to try them on literally in front of each other, to work out with at least one other person, or to not work out at all…. there is no privacy to hate oneself and no space to keep your personal thoughts personal. People will notice, words will slip.
And how did it turn out? I’ll answer by saying I am incredibly blessed to have Raced with the women that I have. I have been consistently impressed with these women because they have larger perspectives than themselves, and they have a kindness, a gentleness, with each other, and even with themselves. I have been surprised again and again how little we talk about food, calories, exercise, our bodies, or our bodies changing. It’s like I’ve been able to breathe again. I’ve felt so suffocated by conversations with women in the past, I’ve felt so worthless standing beside a very “aware” woman, I’ve felt so incredibly invisible. I know what it feels like to allow my self-concept to be reduced to salty hate-filled tears, and that’s not how these women make other women feel.
And I always thought when a man who was important to me told me I was beautiful that that would be the moment when I’d believe it. And I’ve been very blessed to have heard those words said to me in sincere, authentic, and beautiful moments, but what’s interesting is that it took having my sisters in Christ encourage me in my outward beauty and my inward beauty, that has caused me to start believing it.
Ephesians 2:10a “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus…”
These women have helped me heal and approach myself more gently, more lovingly.
In this gentleness, I have been able to recognize the gentleness of my Father, and how He has been waiting for me to “draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith” (Hebrews 10:22), confident that He is able to help me with my gluttony, my self-hatred, my shallow self-concept, my impulse to control, judge, or reduce myself.
And this is where I come. I remind myself of 2 Timothy 1:7 and choose to think and behave out of the true spirit God has given me as His daughter; one of power to make good choices, love for myself and love for how my body has changed because I am so blessed to travel the world and try foods from eleven countries, and a sound mind to be at peace in my thoughts about myself and about how I measure up.
Romans 12:1 “Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”
I really have a hard time coming to God, and a hard time involving myself in the act of living fully, when I have slipped up, or when I feel ugly. But He asks me to come as I am. This is a vulnerable request, to enter into His presence when I know I haven’t acted how He has given me freedom to act, or when I haven’t thought in the ways He has given me freedom to think. I always think it will be like a quick no eye contact doctors appointment:
Dr: What brings you in today? (Spectacles in place, busies himself writing His notes.)
Me: Well I was forced to because my life’s work is here, because I help gather the sick so You can see them, so this is me just kinda showing up for work…(aversion of the eyes).
Dr: I see. You must be very embarrassed. Also, you look awful. Maybe lay low today, I don’t want you giving off the wrong impression of Who you work for.
Me: (Tuckage of preverbal tail, droopage of shoulders.) K. (Closes door quietly on way out, curses and self-depreciating words said to inner self.)
But You know what. Every single time I have come to God, it’s like this:
Dr: (Swings office door open wide, smiling from ear to ear.) Welcome, welcome, welcome, come sit, come sit in My office. (Puts arms around me.) I’ve prepared your favorite – strong coffee with milk. I have all the time in the world for You, I have opened up my whole day for us to talk openly and gently about what brings you in. (Pulls out my chair for me.)
Me: (Dishevelled, timid, confused, apprehensive.) O-ok?
Dr: Alana. I’ll call you by your first name, because I know you. (Takes His seat behind His desk.) Alana, tell me how you are. (Gently smiling, listening intently. Takes His spectacles off.)
Me: Are You sure You don’t need to be helping someone else?
Dr: I need to be helping you, now tell me, what brings you in to see Me? I am so glad you came.
Me: (Silent. Contemplative. Battling disengagement, timidity.) I hate where I am at personally and spiritually and physically. I am ashamed of myself and I am a sad representation of You. I am so unable, so defeated, so not enough. And I hate it. I hate it so much.
Dr: Alana. Thank-you. I am so pleased that you have been honest. Thank-you for showing up today. Thank-you for saying that because that is hard to say. Now let me tell you what I think. It’s my professional opinion that you have a case of battered self-concept, lies, anxiety, and pain. Please do not worry about the permanence of this, you have come to the right place. I am the only one who knows how to help. And I am more than willing.
My friends here say I have come a long way from the beginning of the Race to be thinking this way. It’s because God has pursued me to intentionally, so gently, so romantically even, but our growing relationship doesn’t mean that this fight is over. I don’t know if this fight will ever end honestly. But you know what, I don’t think I am desperate about wishing it would. Because I am not alone now. It’s not a final victory, but it’s comprised of moment by moment surrender and remembering that I am still useful and valuable when I am weak, because He remains strong (2 Corinthians 12:10). And I am encouraged by my Father in Heaven. He loves me in a way I cannot corrupt, His gentleness melts my hatred of myself, and He teaches me how to “Awake, sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on” me (Ephesians 5:14).
He tells me as often as I need to hear it that He has bought me at a high price (through the death of His one and only beloved son, Jesus). And this humbles me from my mountain of issues, to my knees at the foot of the cross in thanksgiving, and my perspective is refocused to realize again how blessed I am that I can know God heart to heart. And this encourages me to glorify God in my body (1 Corinthians 6:20).
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So this was me, being uncomfortably vulnerable with you. I chose to share this with you, because you are worth genuine words, you are worth it to me, to allow you to really see me this way.
It is my prayer from this blog, that whoever it is for, will ask God to show up for them too. I challenge you to prayer a dangerous prayer of asking God to be the difference you need.
And I also challenge you to also, tell the story of who you are, with your whole heart.
And to You, My Father,
In Heaven,
Blessed be Your name.
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done here on Earth,
As it is in Heaven.
And give us today,
Our daily bread.
And forgive us our sins,
As we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For Yours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever. (Matthew 6:9-13)
I love you.
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Additional verses that have really helped me:
Romans 8:12-15
Romans 14:17
2 Peter 1:5-10
1 Corinthians 6:19
1 Corinthians 10:13
1 Corinthians 10:31
2 Timothy 1:7
Hebrews 12:11
Feel free to write me personally at [email protected] if you need anything – prayer, further discussion, whatever you need.
