Maybe I was in some state of denial, but I hadn't processed leaving. I hadn't formulated too many feelings or thoughts around it.
Perhaps that was why the words my family and I had exchanged at the airport before I left for training camp caught me off guard: "see you in a week". Moments later I was standing alone at my populated gate, looking out the window into the dark sky that my red-eye flight would soon soar within, and I cried. I cried because I knew that next time, it would be the words "see you in eleven months". The thought, "Why am I doing this?" slowly rolled around in my head.
I boarded the plane with a puffy face, settled into my seat and subjected myself to sleep.
I woke up to the these words from the guy beside me shuffling in his chair, a playful smirk on his face, "Yup, you snore". And that began a humorous and friendly conversation about how I don't snore, why we were both flying to Toronto, and an accompanied walk to my connecting flight to help me in the big, busy, and bustling airport.
On my next flight from Toronto to Atlanta, I met another Christian and when she heard what I was doing, she prayed over me the words "fearless" and "acceptance".
Those words targeted the very reasons why I hadn't processed leaving. They also held true all of training camp.
I slept on this flight as well, and when I drifted in and out of sleep, the Bible verses Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future", Isaiah 43:19 "Behold I am doing a new thing…", and 1 Corinthians 2:9 "What no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no human mind has conceived, the things God has prepared for those who love Him" seemed to be on my mind.
I remember training camp based on words that made me feel something, and subsequently how I felt at the end of each day:
Night 1: I always seem to default to water – lakes, oceans, but this time the Toccoa Falls stream. I pitched my tent as close as I could to it, trying to normalize the weird feeling I had about sleeping in a tent, and I wasn't excited. But still, all I could think was "I can still drop out", "I'm going home in a week", "why am I giving up my perfect life again?", and the ever articulate "this is dumb".
Night 2: I also always seem to connect with God in worship. The lyrics to the songs Forever Reign by Hillsong and Give Me Faith by Elevation Worship halted me. The songs speak about how God is good. I had forgotten that. God called me to the World Race, and if God is good, then this is good plan for the next year of my life. I realized in tandem with this that I was trying to do everything in my own strength, which was already not working. To hear my own voice sing "You are good, Your love will always be enough" and "give me faith to trust what You say, that You're good and You're love is great" helped me surrender. And this was the beginning of my attitude changing.
Forever Reign: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3f3sNiYpuF4
Give Me Faith: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4IMOtKNTJ8
That night a scenario called for pairs. I was the affected member of my pair where "the airline had lost my bag". That's when I met Johnna. Honesty is a word I would choose to describe our talk before bed. I would now add on the word "laughter" to describe our already friendship.
Night 3: Worst 1.5 hours of my sleeping-career. Bus night. I learned I may have a hint of claustrophobia when I was desperate for a horizontal surface and chose to lie under a seat on the crowded school bus that boxed in ~50 people. Words reflecting survival were the choice theme of the night: "I need air", "I need to sleep", "I need to lie flat", "I need to stretch", "I need to not be on this stupid bus". Needless to say I had a lot of time to think about a discussion earlier that day: A squad-mate had asked me how training camp was going, I told him it wasn't. The compassion, concern, and encouragement he showed me surprised me like crazy. His authenticity was all it took to help change my attitude again, and that's when I really started to "choose in" (As Erin, one of our squad leaders puts the concept of attitude). (Thanks Garvey!)
Night 4: I've never been so happy to see my tent. I fell asleep realizing that my heart was now drawn to my squad-mates. I was surprised to feel love towards them, to want to be like a sister to them. My heart kinda "chose in" without my mind realizing.
Night 5: We had the opportunity to encounter God individually. Basically that means we prayed with big expectant hearts for freedom, grace, courage, and ears to hear Him talking to us. So I went to bed that night with another swollen face – for not being much of a crier, I for sure misguided my squad-mates. Tent night!!! There's something about sleeping outside – the crickets, the air, the moonlight, the basics. It provides the perfect closure to an emotional day.
Night 6: Dorm night! It felt strange to have a bathroom two steps away so you didn't have to hope against hope that you don't need an emergency night-pee. Four walls, a roof, a shower. I almost felt out of place. Gave my friend Bre a hair cut with a Swiss Army knife. Prayed as V squad girls in the dorm hallway. I think I like praying. Which I think I get from my Mom. I wondered about that as I fell asleep.
Night 7: I love my tent!!! I'm smiling as I fall asleep. Words like "excitement", "can't wait", "this is going to be my life!" take precedence in my head tonight. This life feels like home, these people feel like family.
These are my girls (my team)!!!
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We have around 5 weeks until we leave! And the words for these weeks? CHOOSE IN. I choose to take on every errand, every prayer, every conversation, every relationship, every bit of life from now until then with a good attitude. I am going to leave more prepared for the actual Race than I was for Training Camp 🙂 I'm a little tentative about the words "see you in eleven months". But God will be with me there and my family here. And besides, love can span an ocean, the time frame of 11 months, and many many borders.
