A friend/squad mate of mine bought a t-shirt last month in Vietnam that reads, “Single… but not available.” As 
we laughed about it, we all wondered who would actually buy such a shirt but a World Racer? Unless you're a nun, monk or jail bate, in which case, you wouldn't even be able to wear the t-shirt.
After all, we – as missionaries – are specifically asked to remain single, free from dating, making out, and all of the above during our time involved with the World Race. But at the time she bought it, we were one month away from being free from that “rule”. So close to once again being officially "on the market”. And I was so aware of this that when I bought a frilly, lil’ dress last week, I imagined myself wearing it on my next first date (puzzling because even though I’m pretty girlie, I’m more of a coffee-shop-first-date kind of gal). Yet… over the last week or so… God’s been moving in my heart, solidifying the work He’s been doing in me all year long: purifying me.
I remember a week before leaving on the Race, last August, I actually broke down in tears because I didn’t want to become holier or purer or behave better. I was afraid to change. I was afraid that becoming purer would mean that I’d be a prude, or that my identity – the bad girl, good heart identity – would become lost in the shuffle, and I’d no longer know who I am.
But this year, God has brought me to revelation after revelation of who He's created me to be. He’s brought me to a solid identity – one I can walk off the field standing firm in. He’s brought me to an understanding of holiness and purity and why it’s a much better choice than living by my flesh. And He’s shown me why it’s better to keep my lips to myself until I meet the one man He's created for me. Quite a revelation and transformation, eh? After all, who doesn’t enjoy a good make out session? It’s one of my favorite things in the whole world.
Still, God has shown me that my actions – even seemingly harmless make out sessions – can have a profound impact on my effectiveness in ministry. The wrong actions, even somewhat innocuous ones, can harm my personal witness for God. They can quench the Holy Spirit and His ability to operate through me. And even though I’m a few short weeks away from getting off the field, less than a month from stepping down as a missionary, the bulk of ministry that God has for me lies ahead of me.
What I’ve come to realize is that there’s a greater ministry already waiting for me in my community at home. And I don’t know when I’ll be drawn out of that community again, so whatever time I do have there I want to be as effective as possible. I want to be a light to others, drawing them closer to Jesus.
You see, up until the last few years, romantic relationships have always taken precedence in my life. I’ve dated so many people that I’ve lost count, and I may have even forgetten some names and faces along the way. Sad but true. And you’d think that while I’m hopeful and excited for whenever my next first date is, a date that will be approved by God, my Father, I refuse to allow lust and flesh desires to get in the way of the ministry in front of me. I refuse to allow it to taint my personal witness. I refuse to allow it to quench the operation of the Holy Spirit through me. After all, without a strong personal witness and the power of the Holy Spirit pulsing through me, I cannot be as effective for the Kingdom.
“If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country–a heavenly one.” Hebrews 11:15-16
When I left home – my country – to come out on this journey, I had no intention of becoming holier. I had no intention of becoming a pure woman. But my longing for more, my desire for Heaven to fall on Earth and to be used as a vessel to help spread God's love, beckons a need to walk in holiness and purity. So, I return home… a different woman. No longer thinking of who I was before I left, but knowing full well who I am now and who I will come back home as. A pure woman.
So, by that, even after the Race, I will remain unavailable.
Unavailable for flings. Unavailable for those who seek to play games or those who value me less than God intended me to be valued. Unavailable for crappy relationships (a.k.a. relationshits) that will pull me away from having a deeply intimate relationship with Jesus. Unavailable to everyone except the man God intends to me to someday marry.
And given that I don’t know how long it will be until I meet him, the idea of keeping my lips locked until then seems like a huge challenge. Who am I trying to kid, it will definitely be a huge challenge for me. Yet, I know, like laying down alcohol (which God called me to do 9 months ago. Read about that here.), God has given me the power to also lay down lust. And just like giving up drinking, giving up flings and dead-end romantic endeavors will be worth it. Besides… after Mr. Right puts a ring on it, it’s all Song of Solomon from there on out, and that will most definitely be worth waiting for.
But until Mr. Right graces my path…. I remain single… but NOT available.
"You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you." John 15:3
**After I wrote this blog, I told a friend about it, and she got really excited. A little while ago, she had asked God to guide her in praying over me, and He led her to pray for me to walk in purity. After she told me this, I replied, "Oh, so it's your fault that I'm making this crazy decision, eh?" We giggled at the thought… both in awe of God's awesome power and goodness.**
