This isn’t the first time I’ve done this to myself. Probably won't be the last time either.
I wake up every morning, and my eyes are heavy and they hurt – as if I haven’t slept in months. I call this… "the burn".
I’ve walked through seasons of “the burn” before, and I remember the last time quite vividly. It was an awful feeling, waking up daily wanting nothing more than to pop sleep aid and doze for a week.
To be honest, I’m exhausted. And for the first time in my life I actually feel (closer to) my age; I feel at least 28 (wink, wink)! I mean, seriously, I look in the mirror and the first thing I think of is Night of the Living Dead. And the worst part – I'm so tired I've stopped caring about how tired I look.
In the last two weeks I’ve slept in seven different places. It's been over 7 months since I've taken consistent, daily showers, and within that same time period I’ve had both meningitis and malaria amongst several occasions where I've been covered in bug bites.This past month, I've had more frequent, spontaneous, urgent trips to the bathroom than I care to recount. Most of the time I get about 6 hours of sleep a night, and during the last 8.5 months I've had almost no alone time – excluding the time I've spent in the bathroom.
To be really honest, I’m over living in community. I’m over constantly having to engage in conversation with people. I'm over living out of a backpack. I’m over moving every month and sometimes even between months. I’m over schlepping around 70 lbs of gear. To say the least, I’m over many aspects of my current lifestyle. But the race is not over… and I’m not over what God is doing in and through me out here. I'm not over the magical, sweet moments He's peppered amongst the difficult ones. I'm not over learning to love better. I'm not over the adventure and diverse cultures I get to experience daily. And most of all, I'm not over fighting to give this my all!
A friend recently said to me, “The best of what He has for us is in these last two months", and while I might feel exhausted, I truly believe that. The best is yet to come. But what I realized yesterday is that I’m at my best when I'm at home – in Pennsylvania. I'm at my best when I'm at home… yet I have 2 months left out in the field.
Over the last two weeks, there’s this song I’ve been listening to over and over again. I've fallen in love with the lyrics:
“Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you”
But I’ve just now come to understand why the lyrics are so corporeal and evocative for me. It’s not that I need to be at "home" – back in Pennsylvania – though in some ways that would be nice. I just NEED to be with God – to spend solid time being renewed by His word and in prayer daily – because that's the thing that acually enables me to thrive at home in the States. And in Pennsylvania, I had plenty of free time to make God a priority, but out here it's much more challenging to do so. And the point is that over the last 8.5 months I've allowed too many other things to keep me from getting the vital, life-giving alone time I need with Him.
30 minutes a day just isn't cutting it. After all, home is wherever I'm with Him, and if I never spend more than 30 minutes a day resting at home, of course I'm going to feel exhausted. Because in Abba, there is rest – true rest – that comes only by dwelling in Him, for He is our refuge (Psalm 62). And all knowledge of Him comes by first being still with Him – "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46). Not only is this a lesson God has for me to learn right now so that – through Him – I have the strength and energy to finish the World Race well, He wants me to learn it so that I can run the race with perseverence my whole life long (Hebrews 12:1). Because without stillness – without abiding in Him – without hiding in Him as my refuge – there is no knowledge. There is no rest. And without rest and knowledge, it's impossible to persevere in the call He's appointed me to: the call to love God and love people.
So… today… in Vietnam… I’m shutting the world out, and I’m staying in – at home – with Papa…because more than anything right now, I need to be home. I need to be alone… with Him.
“Man, oh man, you're my best friend,
I scream it to the nothingness
There ain't nothin' that I need
Well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie
chocolate candy, Jesus Christ
There ain’t nothin’ please me more than you
Moats and boats and waterfalls
Alley ways and pay phone calls
I’ve been everywhere with you
We laugh until we think we’ll die
Barefoot on a summer night
Nothin’ new is sweeter than with you
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is whenever I’m with you
Ahh, Home
Yes, I am Home
Home is when I'm alone with you"
