All I’ve really wanted is to learn how to become a better lover.
But to become “better” first implies a degree of pre-existing ability. As if – to some extent – I already knew how to be any kind of a lover. Yet as each day passes, every morning waking up with another woman in my bed, the more I realize what a terrible, selfish lover I really am.
It’s an odd thing: a 34-year-old, straight woman – wakingBut that’s been my life for the last 6 months – waking up daily with 5 other women. Not the only part of my life, but a part of it – a strange part. A challenging part. One I’m still not as comfortable with as I’d like to be.
But I think the discomfort is more of a product of ignorance – not really knowing how to love these women. Not really knowing how to love women at all. And let’s be honest: though I am one, up until 2 years ago I’ve had very few relationships with other women that have been loving and life-giving. Much of my experience with women, especially women in their 20’s, can be abbreviated by these two words: comparison and cattiness – both which make me highly uncomfortable. And honestly, I have no desire at all to be in this kind of “intimate” community with a group of women. Hands-down, this is my least favorite part of this journey.
Yet – us 6 women are community; we’re all each other’s got. At the end of the day, we are each other’s best – well only – hope for intimacy and love and relationship out here. But this type of community is tough. It’s psychologically and spiritually draining. Sometimes uplifting, but more often than not it’s challenging. Sometimes the challenges are healthy and sometimes they’re just not.
6 months ago, I naively believed I was sent out here to heal the sick, raise the dead, cast out demons…. and all that other good stuff in Matthew 10:8. I was excited for the opportunity to experience God’s supernatural power in mysterious, radical ways – ways I couldn’t at home. Prophecy and tongues – all that crazy stuff in the Bible that people don’t like to talk about in America. But the real, crazy experience contrary to American culture – the real challenge that’s growing me – is waking up with other women in my bed – day after day – struggling to love them better… if at all. The real crazy challenge is love – loving like Jesus.
“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers” 1 John 3:16. And yet I have to wonder, "Would I willingly lay down my coffee addiction for the sake of a sister or brother?"
To be really honest, I don’t like loving when I don’t feel loved. I don’t exactly know how to love when relationships feel unsafe — when there’s a lack of trust. I don’t care to lavish love on those who compare and judge. And sometimes I’m just a lazy lover, allowing my measure of love to be the degree to which I don’t dislike someone – which really isn’t love at all.
But recently God called me out: “If you don’t bring love, what do you have to offer? More trouble.”
Jesus didn’t say, “Love when it’s easy” or even “Love when you feel like it” or “Love those who love you first”. No… He said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Loving your neighbor – your community – your family – is the hardest thing in the world for me to do, especially if you’re defining love by the standards of Jesus. Because you can’t just put on a façade and pretend to love for a bit and then say farewell – not when you’re waking up with these women every day of your life.
But if I am to be of any real value to this community, to my church (when I come home), to this world, then that’s exactly what I must do: love through the suck.
Sometimes you just got to rest secure enough in Papa’s love, pull up your bootstraps, stop wallowing in self-pity and just love out the best you can. And when you recognize what a bad lover you are then get on your knees and pray to God – “Papa, give me supernatural love to pour out onto others. Give me grace for those around me! Fill my heart with your joy, peace and kindness.”
And that’s just where I’m at right now… bootstraps pulled up and on my knees pleading, “Papa, help me to be a better lover to these women in my bed! Help me love your precious daughters! I cannot do this without you…”
P.S. The same struggle I’m having out here in community is one our American church has: a lack of Jesus-like love for our brothers and sisters. There’s no single more important thing you will ever do in your life than to be the love of Jesus to others – especially to your sisters and brothers in Christ. And maybe – just maybe – if each person aims to do just that – to truly become a good lover – communities and churches and families would thrive, just as God desires… 🙂
“You were cleansed from your sins when you obeyed the truth, so now you must show sincere love to each other as brothers and sisters. Love each other deeply with all your heart.” 1 Peter 1:22
“Indeed, you already show your love for all the believers throughout Macedonia. Even so, dear brothers and sisters, we urge you to love them even more.” 1 Thessalonians 4:10
“Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.” Colossians 3:14
