I've gotta be honest… I've done way too much thinking over the last week and not nearly enough praying. I've been way more focused on myself and what I should say and do than on the mighty Word of God and the fact that He's so much more capable than I am. In the midst of "trying" so hard to do His work, I'm completely losing sight of Him – and of how AWESOME He is.
I thought I was past a lot of this – I thought I'd relented to trying to take control of everything, to trying to do it my way. But I'm not, and I haven't. I'm feeling this great struggle within me, a struggle between who I used to be – an overachiever, an idolizer of success and progression – and the woman God's been refining me into over the past year. He’s been working hard at tearing apart the image of who I thought I was. He's been teaching me how to just be, how to listen, how to wait, how to put Him at the center, how to let Him guide my steps. He’s shown me the way of peace, love and joy… and yet lately I see that old image reflecting back at me from the mirror.
I want so badly for everything I have to say to you on this blog to be the "right" thing – to be thought worthwhile by you. And in complete unawareness until tonight, I’ve been trying to steel God’s glory. I've been trying to shine the spotlight on myself. I hate the fact that again I've shackled myself to worldly ideals- back at trying to live up to some margin of success instead of truly, deeply, passionately living FREE in Him.
Every single day this past week, I’ve felt physically ill – tummy aches and migraines – and I'm not really one to get stressed much. But I've allowed myself to take center stage in my life. I've allowed myself to try to "run" the show again, and it’s eating me up inside. I’m tired of it; I’m tired of my foolishness. I don't want to be the author of this next chapter in my life; His plans, His ways, His Words – are so much sweeter than anything I could ever script or dream up. And He's much more a worthy author than I could ever be.
I had absolutely no intention of writing this post tonight. What I wanted was to write something to challenge or inspire you… In fact, I planned on working on a post I've been thinking about for the last week…. but when I started typing, this is what came out. And I sort of think that's the way God wanted it to be. I don't have the Christian “lingo” down. Ya know, the phrases that sound so spiritual and eloquent. And if I ever do write anything that sounds that way, well then you know that God’s speaking through me because I’m not eloquent. Hell, I wouldn't even call myself a "good Christian” – which I think is really an oxymoron anyway. And to be really, really honest – I think I prefer to just spit the real deal out there instead of trying to work everything I say into some verbal Monet just so you can click that "like" button, and I can bask in self satisfaction.
So… from here on out, I’m gonna pray more, analyze less and let God be in charge again. I'm gonna stop trying to be brilliant and clever – because honestly, I'm not either of those things, and if I were, it'd make it even harder for me to be the humble servant God has called me to be. Expect some random, brash, open, heartfelt, raw posts from me. Because as much as I'd like to appear to "have it all together", I don't. And typing that out just now was like breathing a great sigh of relief – like unveiling the ugly truth and finally giving in to vulnerability and openness.
The craving to be adored — to be noticed, cherished and admired has crept back in my heart… Sure, it’s a natural, human desire. Perhaps you're familiar with it? Yet I can't help but come back to this: Is His love enough? Is His grace enough? Is He enough… for me?
And the truth is…Yes, He is!
I just pray I stop getting in the way of that truth…
