Debrief has been astounding. The Lord has used these past 4 days to rip us open like an overstuffed suitcase and has allowed all of our junk to come spilling out. He is answering my prayer and exposing stuff that I had no sweet clue was even there. I am understanding unhealthy things about myself that have led me back to the same place over and over again, like a child lost out in the wood. But He has called me and told me to return. Return back to the meadow and be with Him a while. He has longed for me to stay in a season of restoration and I must stop fighting it! It is okay to be broken. It is okay to be a mess. It is okay to be sick. It is okay to be the patient.
I am always feeling like I need to be the doctor, the helper, the fixer, the leader, the one they look to for answers. And now, it is my time to seek the answers. It is my time to be fully healed. It is my time to get well, get better and just be a patient. There is no shame in that. The Enemy is a liar. And he will make you believe—he has made me believe, that the patient is the weaker of the two. That it is only the doctor who is noble but that is just not true. A true leader, a good doctor must take care of themselves. If their heart isn’t whole, if their body, mind and soul aren’t well, then they will never become the full leader they were meant to be.
My life is not linear. My personality is complex and unique. I am a network of wires and strings and ropes that are hard to untangle and the truth is: people don’t know how to understand that. I am a scary package but I am not a shameful mess; I am a beautiful mystery. I am tired of apologizing for who God has made me to be and in the Name of Jesus I will not do it any longer! I will allow Him to take me out to bring me back in. I will allow Him to search me and fix the unhealthy things in me, but I will not allow the world to tell me my process is too hard for them to handle. At the end of the day, I answer to the Lord and I love Him and trust Him when He says “this is good” and then also when He says “this is not.”
I came to the realization this weekend that in many ways, I’m in rehab. We have group meetings every night where we confess our deepest, darkest struggles; the things that we have hidden and have been eating us up for so long. We cry with each other and encourage each other. We sit in on teachings of how to break chains and live your best life. We reflect and process and learn how to breathe. We fight it and give in. And some of us give up.
I came here to learn about the Lord, yes, but I am learning so much about myself. I came to do ministry and I am intensely being ministered to. I came with the prayer that people would let me in to their heart and I am struggling to let others into mine. Our confession is—my confession is: I need to be rehabilitated. And That’s OKAY.
There is a lot more work to be done in the nations.
There is a lot more work to be done in this community.
There is a lot more work to be done in me.
I am not one to beg, but I come before you undone, broken and a mess, begging.
I beg of you to search your heart and ask the Lord to help you to give.
I do not want to come home yet.
There is more to be done.
And I need $8203 ($3703) by April 1st to be able to do that.
Every dollar counts! Do not think that what you have is too small to change the world, to change our community….to change me. To help us all press into rehabilitation, click on the support me link to the left.
And, may you too come to accept that it is okay to be the patient; it is okay to need restoration; it is okay to be in rehabilitation.
