(Shout out to The Amy Hoffman for the blog title!)
How can I put an experience like training camp into words? I can hardly get across what it was like when I talk about it in person, so for someone who's forte is math and not writing this is especially hard. I will say training camp felt like a month in both a good and bad way. By the end of it I was completely drained. Part of that was due to the fact that I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable.
I cried when I needed to… even if it was in front of my new team (Thanks girls. Not sure if I have ever experienced grace from any person like I did at that moment).
I was honest with God, which was difficult letting go of control, but was well worth it.
I laughed. Oh my did I laugh, and it is so good for the soul. There's going to be a lot of this with my squad these eleven months.
Because I don't know how else to explain Training Camp, I've decided to share with y'all one of my journal entries from the end of the week. Hopefully this will help! Everything in bold is from my journal:
-I'm not big enough for myself.
I cannot carry my own struggles, setbacks, and sins. Only God is big enough to bare that weight.
-You LOVE me
Shockingly enough, even as a believer I had never grasped the idea of God loving me like his daughter. Sure, I had heard it my whole life, but at training camp it hit me like square in the face.. or maybe I should say square in the heart.
-You are proud of me
Despite all of the ways I have failed God, He is still proud of his beloved. If he has let go of my past, so should I. Otherwise, I am only holding myself back from what he has created me to be.
-I'm not strong enough to carry the doubt, fear, and pain that loved ones are burdened by.
It hurts to see people you love in pain. I have been bad about holding myself back as to not leave loved ones behind. That is not my job. What I can do, and what God has equipped me to do, is be there to support them and love them through whatever they may be going through.
-It's not about me. It's all about bringing glory to you.
Self explanatory.
-Spiritual warfare is real, but You have already won.
Yeah… I definitely wouldn't be able to explain this one in writing! In a nutshell, God and the enemy were at work at camp. Thankfully, God is already victorious!
-You speak to me in different ways.
One session, the speaker was explaining how God can meet us in different ways. I quickly connected with two. I am definitely naturalistic. I see God in flowers, the sky, the mountains. God very clearly spoke to me through the thunder and rain at camp. I have never heard God's voice until that moment. It was a beautiful, indescribable moment! Also, I realized I am relational. One afternoon I spoke with a squad trainer (or really she would ask a question and I would talk and answer my own questions) for an hour and was able to say for the first time, out loud, with 100% assurance that God loves me. It became obvious to me that God uses people and conversations to speak to me.
-I am loved by my sisters on U.
-I am pursued by my brothers on U.
(These last two are understatements. My squad is the most loving, weirdly awesome, God pursuing, beautiful group of people that I have ever known. Because of their love and grace, I have never felt like I have belonged somewhere more than I do on this squad. I'm able to be my weird self without the worry of being judged, but know that I will be listened to when I need to talk. I cannot wait to do this crazy and adventurous year with them!)
Thanks for these pictures, Cabe!
