So I have asked myself the question numerous times since I left. Why am I here? The ministry so far has been ok, but I don’t think I’m making a huge difference. I’m still growing into my role as leader and I also don’t feel I’m doing a spectacular job at that. I’m struggling with my aversion to talking to strangers, which is problematic in street evangelism in another culture.
I often speak about dying to myself, or being crucified with Christ. It sounds cool. It sounds like the right thing to do and something that I want to happen. But now that it’s happening, I’ve come to a brilliant realization: dying hurts. A lot. I’m in pain – physical, emotional, and spiritual. I’m losing parts of myself that I’ve had for so long, I actually thought they were part of my identity. This is really hard because the Lord is burning things away and I’ve had them so long, I don’t know what to do without them. I’m scared, and I don’t know what to do to lead my team. I feel like I’m stumbling around in the dark. I have been asking the Lord for a discerning heart, but so far, I’ve got nothing. I can honestly say that, like Solomon, if the Lord offered me anything in the world, I think I would ask for a discerning heart, because I just plain don’t know what to do. People tell me that’s the best place to be, but saying that doesn’t make me feel any better.
I think death is going to be a big theme of this year. II Corinthians 4:10-12 says, “we always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.”
I am choosing to trust that I am here for a reason and that this dying process will be followed by a resurrection and the second part of Paul’s proclamation: “it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me”. I am holding onto a phrase that has been prayed over me several times over the last couple of months – it’s worth it. I’m hoping and trusting it is.
