So this month we are in Cambodia working in a school teaching English. We are teaching the kids basic English phrases like hello, goodbye, and thank you. But the one phrase that really sticks out to me is “hello, how are you?” Why? Because we don’t really understand the power that this question holds. Even in America kids are mindlessly taught to respond with “I’m fine”, “I’m good”, “I’m alright”. We are trained to answer that question with a positive response regardless of how we are actually doing from the time we first learn to speak. So fast forward 22 years to now and ask how I’m doing.
I still struggle answering that question truthfully. Like really allowing people into my life and allowing them to care for me when I respond with anything besides “good”. I struggle hardcore with vulnerability, and my team reminds me of it all the time. I hate talking about my feelings because honestly I hate saying that I’m not okay. I also really hate crying in front of others. Lol. I know that opening up and being honest are all really great things, but it’s freaking hard for me. I never grew up with vulnerability. It’s kinda new to me. I was never really asked “how are you doing?”, and if I was, a simple “good” was sufficient enough. Most of the time the conversations in my house were about “What are you doing?” “Where are you going?” “Who with?”. These are the questions I’m comfortable with. The ones that don’t require deep thought. The ones that I can answer and not change my emotional state. The ones I can answer knowing the person will be satisfied with my answer.
So with that being said, Abbie, how are you really doing?
Im fine… Lol. No but really, I’m alright. I’m in a decent place with myself and the Lord. We are in Cambodia in month 8 of the race. It’s crazy to think we have less than 4 months left. We recently had a debrief and discussed end of the race details, we even got our flight details back to America already. It’s terrifying. I’ve noticed myself getting caught up in this and losing focus on the present. Basically there are two groups of people on the race. The ones who are super excited to get back to America to see friends and family and share their experiences and then there are ones who would rather stay out in the mission field and continue to grow and experience the world. I definitely fall into the second category (sorry family and friends). I am genuinely scared about the race ending. Where will I go? What will I do? Do I still remember how to be a waitress? Will I fall back into my old habits? Will people think I’ve changed? How can I ever find a community like this? How can I continue this life I love so much? So many questions and absolutely no answers. And if you know me, I’m all about not having a plan and just winging it, but this big of a transition is totally freaking me out.
So there’s that… something I’ve been struggling with. Yay for some vulnerability.
You want more? Okay… Well I struggle (for some reason) with feeling alone. Feeling like my team could care less if I was there or not. Feeling like no one really knows me. I know that it sounds crazy to feel alone when you are constantly surrounded by 5 other girls, but trust me, it’s possible. And the reason this struggle really sucks is because I know it’s not true. I know that I bring a lot to my team, it just comes down to me actually starting to believe that.
What else? Well let’s talk about me and Jesus. How are me and Jesus doing? We are alright. These past 8 months have been a roller coaster for us. Some months are good and some months are complete crap. I’ve always struggled with the same thing that I don’t hear Him or actually understand Him. That I have absolutely no discernment. That I cannot shut up long enough to actually listen to Him. That I hate being “alone” and always feel like I am missing out #fomo. And I know that in order to hear him, you have to spend time with him… Blah. Well basically for me, it just boils down to my complete lack of discipline. I have none! I am terrible at separating myself from my team and just taking time to sit with Him. I kinda hate it. I see my teammates doing it, but when I try, it’s a train wreck that usually leads to me listening to Eminem or doodling in my journal. I mean I still do try. Don’t get me wrong, I do have good days where the lord reveals something awesome to me, they’re just very few and far. Some months I’ve had an accountability partner and other months I haven’t been able to find one. Some months I have my own “spot” and other months I can’t even use the bathroom without being interrupted. It’s like having to create new habits with Jesus every month. It’s exhausting and some months you feel like you just need a break and it’s easier to coast on by. But when that happens and you reach the end of the month, it’s all regret. Regret that you didn’t dive in. I’ve definitely felt that…
Currently my struggle involves actually believing His love for me and walking in it. To understand that He is my father. It’s so easy to say that Jesus loves me, but really taking it from my head and applying it to my heart has been a challenge like no other. I honestly cannot even fathom it. But i’m working on it…slowly.
So YES, I have grown with the lord a lot, but I want to grow sooo much more. But it’s all on me. I need to want to grow. To want to spend time in the bible and in prayer. To place quiet time as a priority on my list. To allow others into my crap. To ask others about theirs. To continue to seek out others who want what I want. To not fear what others will think. And to have freaking discipline!!!
It’s a lot to work on, but I’m glad I don’t have to do it alone.
Thank you sooo much for your continued prayers and support. It means the world to me!
If you want to contact me, Facebook is the way to go. (Wifi permitting)
Love you all!!!
Cheers, Abigail Sheckells
