“Sometimes he’s developing our character and that’s not always a fun process. It can be really painful. BUT know that he’s holding you ever so close to his heart, even in and especially in the moments that refine us.” -letter for October from my momma
For some reason I waited to read my letter from my mom until a couple days ago. Each day I thought about reading the letter but I always ended up not reading it, what I didn’t know was that God wanted me to save it for when I really needed to read it. On Friday I woke up to cold temperatures, pouring rain, and a horrible head ache. I had been sick the day before and I felt even worse after trying to sleep it off. We weren’t able to work that day since it would be all outside gardening. It was still down pouring so we were stuck inside. Of course our power ended going out along with the water which meant it was too dark to read, too cold and wet to go outside, and we couldn’t even try to watch a movie since our computers would die. Feeling trapped and annoyed I sat cuddled up in my blanket talking to Victoria and Christal. Earlier that week we talked about what we might be doing in the Philippines and where we might live. Someone joked saying that we would end up doing farm work again but I became defensive and serious saying that I couldn’t make it, that I would be crushed because I need to work with and minister to people instead of weeding. We argued a little about whether or not we would be placed into another manual labor ministry and if we would be able to last.
Christal, Victoria, and I ended up talking about the same thing. We said that God would place us where HE wanted us and that if it was alone on a farm again then we would need to trust in his plan for putting us there. I sat for a minute and let that realization sink in, I might be placed on a farm in the country side…again. No. I can’t do this again; my heart is already broken into pieces. I looked at the ceiling trying to fight the huge tears in my eyes but it didn’t work. Victoria and Christal listened as I told them my fears about being put on a farm again. I told them that I can’t continue to put love into a ministry that breaks me. I love working with people and being isolated on a farm has brought me to a place where I cannot be broken any more than I am now. My heart longs to be with kids and women, I keep dreaming about creating my own single mother’s ministry in a European country, I do NOT dream about doing this type of work again. My heart and passion is for helping people. I talked to them about how being here has broken me a part so that God could heal the places I needed healing in and it has helped bring peace to my heart but now I feel restless. After telling them all these things I sat and listened to what they said about trusting in God’s plans and not my own, how we can hope for a children’s ministry or a women’s ministry but that it’s not up to us where we get placed.
A little after that the rain stopped long enough for me to go downstairs to my room and grab a couple of things to bring back upstairs. When I was about to leave I remembered the letter my mom wrote to me. So I finally pulled it out and read it. Before I left she told me that with each letter written it was God’s words not her own, that she sat and prayed about each one then wrote down what God was telling her to write. With this letter the quotation at the top spoke to me. That in these last few weeks of restlessness, frustration, and fear God was going to develop my character. Is it fun to feel broken and like I can’t love anymore because of it? Heck no. But I see now that I can still show love to my team and the few people here at the farm in small moments. That even though I feel broken I can let God work on healing it and building my character through continuing to love. My mom also said that my team and I are there loving the people here with the sacrificial love that He showed us, “Love well, daughter of mine.” So mom, I will love well and love through my brokenness, I will let the painfulness of God building my character happen and trust that his plans for my and the Race are even greater than what I could imagine.
