As I sit here in a coffee shop at the airport I think back on the past year I am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy, but there has also been pain. I was told to make my blog posts transparent so you can see exactly what my heart is feeling. It’s going to be hard the next 9 months being open and honest with all of you but I know God wants me to share my struggles and my victories. So here is my open heart.
I have gone through so much the last couple of days, the pain of leaving my family, friends, and the guy I love has pulled my heart out of my chest. It hasn’t fully set in that I will not be able to go back home next week and hug my mom, joke with my dad, mess with my brothers, and see the other incredible people in my life. This past year I have been able to grow in my faith so much but my eyes have also opened to the hurt around the world. The desire to want to do something to help those people outweighs the sacrifice of leaving my home. I know God has called me to this or else I wouldn’t be here fully funded waiting to check into my flight. Yes, there has been fear with leaving and as a squad we have been praying for those fears to leave us and to be filled with God’s peace. It hasn’t always worked because sometimes we get so caught up in the fear that we don’t stop and ask God for peace, he has started to work through that with me and help me recognize when I need to stop and just sit with him. The peace he gives me helps me see the good things that I am leaving behind physically but taking with me in my heart. Some days will be easier for me not to be homesick and other it’s going to tear me apart, I will call home crying and asking to come back but my family will tell me no because I’m not finished here.
This is long 9 months will end up going by faster than I could imagine, but instead of staying in the fear and sadness I will rest with God. We talked about how our leaders are turning it over to us to teach and listen to God to build us up (of course with a little bit of their help). At my church we sing these two sentences over and over again: It’s going to be beautiful what comes after this, I believe I believe. It’s going to be beautiful all your promises, I believe I believe. After hearing this for the first time I couldn’t get it out of my head, and every time I sing it I feel refreshed and the pain of leaving my family, friends, and the guy I love leaves and it’s replaced with the incredible memories I have with them. I am trusting God and resting with him when the fear overcomes me, singing that song over and over again.
