Over and over, I’m asked the same question each time I share with others about Abigail’s plans for next year. It’s always “How can you let her go?” and I always have the same two-part response.
- I can’t think too much about it or I’ll burst into tears.
- I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is God’s plan for her life, I won’t ever stand in the way of that and I trust Him completely in it.
Let me explain by starting from the beginning…
Before Abigail was ever conceived, I asked God for a girl. All throughout my months of pregnancy with her, I held a hope in my heart that she was, in fact, our daughter. We waited until she was born to know for sure, opting not to find out via ultrasound and be surprised instead. When the doctor announced, “It’s a girl!” I was so astounded that God REALLY DID answer my heart’s DESIRE (because I honestly would have been happy if I’d another son instead), that I could hardly wrap my brain around the fact that I did just give birth to a GIRL!
Each time I was pregnant with one of our children, we always asked God what He had named that child, believing that He had already written their names in His book of life and that their names were associated with their calling. We knew in our hearts that this daughter of ours was to be called, “Abigail Hannah,” which together means “her father rejoices / my father’s joy” and “grace or favor.” In the Bible, Abigail was the second wife of King David and she was known for her beauty, intelligence and discretion. Hannah was a woman of prayer and faith and was the mother of the prophet Samuel. These women are amazing namesakes and our daughter bears their names well.
Additionally, whenever I was pregnant my husband and I would cover our soon-to-be-born babies in daily prayer, including asking God to speak to us about each child’s calling and to lay specific scriptures on our hearts for that child. As I would read my Bible, I would write our child’s name, along with the date next to any verses that the Holy Spirit seemed to point out to me.
Based on our times of prayer while I was pregnant with Abigail and the verses that God drew to our attention, we knew from the womb that Abigail was called as an evangelist, but we also knew that it would look very different from the traditional picture of the evangelists of old. It would look new and fresh and be relevant to THIS generation. Abigail would walk with that mantle in the form of who God specifically made HER to be, operating in the gifts and callings that are uniquely her own, including music, drama, her love of children, her willingness to reach beyond her own comfort zone, her tenacity and her unwillingness to give up despite challenges or obstacles in her path. It would all be a part of her way of touching people’s hearts with the love of Christ. It would be real and genuine – just like her.
The day Abigail came home from summer camp and told us of the vision God had shown her and how it had confirmed to her that she was to go on the World Race Gap Year, she and I sat on the couch and wept together. I knew the time had come. I looked her in the eyes and said, “You and I both know that for you to do this, I need to let you go.” She nodded and cried and through my own tears, I assured her that when the time came, I would. I would open my hands and send her off with my blessing, knowing that my hands – the hands that hold her close – are held ever so tightly by the hands of our Father – the One who rejoices over our daughter.
I’m not saying that this is easy, because it’s not. Hands down, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever been asked to do – let my daughter go…go to places that aren’t safe, aren’t within arm’s reach, places that WILL change her. I won’t hold my daughter in my embrace and hear her laughter fill our house for nine, LONG months. I won’t be able to take care of her if she gets sick. I can’t help but wonder – who will make her tea? Wrap her up in a blanket? Hold her close and snuggle her to help her feel better? I won’t be able to wipe away her tears when her heart is broken by the plight of the people she will love. The only smile I’ll see of hers is in pictures or on video chats and the voice that I will hear will be thousands of miles away.
I have faith and can entrust Abigail to God’s care, but I still have a mother’s heart and it hurts. I can honestly say that I’m not looking forward to those nine months….yet…I’m excited. Despite the ever-present ache that already resides in my heart, I’m filled with joy for her because I KNOW she’s walking into the next part of her God-given destiny and I’m clinging to the knowledge that God’s grace WILL see me through her absence and that His peace will overshadow any fear I may wrestle with during those months.
It’s because I’ve known Abigail’s calling from the womb and because God has spoken so specifically to my heart that I CAN let her go, knowing that He has her held in His hands. Even more than that, I know that as much as I love this daughter of mine, He loves her so much more than I ever could and I can trust Him with her heart and her life.
That’s the ONLY way I can face letting her go and give her my blessing in all that she’s doing.
And I’m doing that with all of my mother’s heart!
