For more reasons than I could ever tell you my life has been amazing over the past 2 weeks. I don't even know how to fill you in completely. Maybe that'll come in another blog. But for now I just need to get some raw stuff out of my head.
I'm pissed. Partly because my life currently is just as amazing as I said it was and yet I still have hurt. Who does that? A selfish person of course. That makes sense though, because of that whole 'sinful nature' thing; but it doesn't make it easier to swallow. Why is it that when there's an emptiness God sometimes doesn't fill it right away? Which leads me to wonder why the heck I feel entitled to a fullness in the first place. That's a really good question. Why does comparison, self-loathing, and loneliness darken our whole self and feel like a ton of bricks on our shoulders? Comparison, self-loathing, and loneliness steals joy and they get help from their friends: anger and pride. What is it in us that makes us unable to trust that we're loved as much as we love? In the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Paul Rudd's character says,
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
TRUTH. Unfortunate. But so true. For some reason I honestly can't say that I believe a person could see my flaws and not judge. I can drag myself down with shame and I expect nothing less from the people around me, especially my teammates. Why can't I break free from that? How come Satan's voice sounds a whole lot like my own in my head? How come I hear his voice easier than I hear God's? I thought the answer is always '"press into God" but instead of finding resolution this morning in Proverbs I found cynicism and just felt like I was perusing a gift shop reading random, stupid coffee cup sayings. Why do I have to carry a ton of bricks on my shoulders and it effect my day as well as my teammates'?
These (and more) are all questions I ranted about in the kitchen a few minutes ago to my teammate, Jan. In true, even-keeled Jan fashion he said, "Yea, sometimes God wants us to realize there isn't always a resolution to feeling bad. Lazarus died and laid there for 4 days before Jesus came with a resolution. He must've not just smelled horrible but started to turn green, or something."
Well…yea. But why?? What is the purpose of struggle with no resolution?
It's kind of like compulsively writing a blog with no good conclusion.
