I have a confession to make. For the past year and a half that I have been back from Malaysia, I have been stubbornly saying no to God. I told Jesus, “Okay, I did my mission, please don’t make me leave my life here again, it is too hard.” I pleaded with the Lord to not make me go through the trials that came from leaving my comfortable life, praying that He would allow me to stay, where my friends, my family, and my familiarity sustained me. When thinking about missions, I reminisced about the loneliness, and insecurity that I faced while overseas and thought back to the pain of abandonment by friends when I returned home. I simply told God, “I’m not going” and I gave excuses to friends and family about why I should not return.
Every time the idea of returning overseas crept inside of my mind, I quickly dismissed it. The more I tried to silence the call from God, the louder and louder it rang in my head. God was urging me with a powerful word saying, “Is the gospel important enough for you?” As God directed me towards applying for the World Race, the concept of really weighing the cost consumed my mind. I had to prepare myself to be ready to give anything and everything for God on this trip, and not be surprised if He desired me to sacrifice something that I believe to be too hard to give up. I had to determine if the two things I held most dear were worth giving up to follow Jesus: my friends and my comfort.
“Is the gospel important enough to you to lose friends?” The entire time while spending 6 months in Malaysia last year, I depended heavily on my friends back home to be my strength. Every bad and lonely day, I told myself, “I cannot wait to be back with my friends, and at least, I know they have my back and will be there to support me when I return.” Within the first month back home, I realized that God desired to continue pruning my life, and wanting me to rely and depend solely on Him. These friends, whom I put so much emphasis on, simply were not interested in a friendship anymore. This heartbreak caused resentment, and even at times, made me ask God, “Why did I leave and serve you, if you are just going to take my friends away when I get back?” Little did I know, God was growing, strengthening, and challenging me, and today, I look at that situation with appreciation of God’s wisdom. As I prepare now for another year apart from friends, I have a peace about those I leave behind, knowing that God, in is sovereignty, gives and takes away, and His ways are greater than mine.
“Is the gospel important enough to sacrifice comfort.” Anyone who knows me very well can attest to the fact that I do not handle change gracefully. I find comfort in consistency, in having a plan, and being organized. One thing I have learned from living overseas is that none of those things are ever promised. Being a missionary requires embracing spontaneity, being flexible, and completely out of one’s comfort zone at times. I struggled with that in my time overseas, but God used so many of those moments where I felt out of control to reveal to me the beauty in chaos. I have found that the moments where I gave up being in control, that God was able to use me the most. I have weighed the cost of being uncomfortable during the World Race including going without showers, eating things that look dangerous, and being sweaty 99% of the time. I know the Lord is going to use those things to reveal to me the luxury of surrender as His child.
Please continue praying for me and your involvement in this mission. You can support me by clicking on the Support Me tab, or mailing a check to:
Abigail Stewart
19084 Woodsons Mill Rd.
Beaverdam, Va 23015
In preparation of great things,
Abby <3
