I am anxious. For the last couple weeks it has intensified. I worry even though God tells me not to. I think about how life was prior to the Race and how my life is now and it is shockingly different. I think about my view of the world before and what it is now, I think about how I can “blend” this life with the prior and it stresses me out. I am anxious and I need prayer.
Since I left for the Race, my perspective on MANY things has changed. I have seen God use others as well as myself in ways that are unimaginable, inexplicable. I’ve seen the Holy Spirit touch lives. I’ve seen people healed physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’ve seen demons attacking and being cast out of people. I’ve seen some of the most beautiful things God has created on this earth. All of these things have helped to shape how I VIEW the world and his purpose for me in it. There is a stark difference between how I viewed the world before compared to how I see it now. It’s frighteningly different. I cannot deny his power. I cannot deny his will. Sure, I can do certain things in my own free will, but my heart and head agree that I cannot deny with my lifestyle who He is and what He has done in me, through me, and in the world this year. Knowing this….
How do I blend the world I once knew with the world I now know? How do I bridge the gap? The world in the US has been on pause for me for the past 11 months, but the reality is that it has moved on. Places, people, things have all changed. Habits I had when I left will be waiting for me to tempt me to pick them back up. Prior relationships have changed and some have fallen away. Friends are engaged, a new job waits one week after I return, and my family has advanced one year without me. I am anxious about re-entry.
I feel as though I peaked about midway during the Race. I feel that I was running on all cylinders. That I could conquer the world and all in Jesus’ name. Crazy huh? But it feels like that when we’re fully operating in our giftedness and our obedience. The second half has been a struggle for different reasons. The pressing reality that home is just around the corner, the fact that community life takes its toll on you and drains your energy, and the lulls of feeling inadequate or underused that are brought on by the enemy. It has been a battle. However….I am grateful for it! I would be sorely disappointed if I ended on a spiritual high only to come back to the states and lose it two months later. Instead, God has me in this place. In realizing that home isn’t so different from the rest of the world. The same troubles, temptations, problems, enemies exist there and out here. He is preparing me even though I have anxiety right now. I know that will pass.
As I am processing these past 11 months in less than a week, please pray that God will finish what he has started in me for this season. That he will prepare my heart for “what’s next”. That I can adjust and trust him with the outcome. That I can view the next part of my life as only a season. That I will remain Kingdom-minded and maintain a global perspective. I appreciate all of your support and I am EXCITED to see you upon my return.
