Time to Wander. Process. Live. (Part 2)
In Chicago, I got dropped off at first generation D-Squaders, Danny and Colleen Gutman's house and I helped finished projects in their home. I got to spend time at their church in an elementary school gym (I wasn't discontent with this…weird).
I even got to take a train to Elgin, Illinois to meet up with a woman of God, Rachel Iverson, from V-Squad (Lamar's squad). Epic time getting to know her and able to encourage one another. Still not sure what was in the atmosphere around us though.
City of Elgin
Now, after going from The Windy City to Columbus, Ohio only to hustle to the Greyhound station for a bus to Chillicothe, Ohio and a night telling my stories and adventures to my other momma, Leila, and her soon-to-be new husband, George, I sit in the house of my best friend, Marcus, and his girlfriend, Erica.
Leila's weeping willow…peaceful
Almost a year and a half later I get to see the one who led me to go to church for the first time, how cool is that? Haha.
It's strange. I've had lots of time to wander around and make connections, which has been fantastic and God breathed for sure. I've had ample amounts of time to process all God has been teaching me over the past few months, since February, and I'm still unsure if I've figured out all He has been teaching and showing me.
From the truth about the simplicity of His Word to the fact normal four-walled churches just don't suffice for me anymore with the rigid structure and lack of freedom within to even the simple fact in seeing the beauty of God's creation all around us, I have yet to figure out exactly what God is doing.
I've taken plenty of time to live throughout this time by the provision of God and the hospitality of those I've come in contact with, to live in a way that honors and glorifies my Papa at all times, and yet…
…And yet, I sit here now unsure of how to pay my already late phone bill, unsure of why things I pray never seem to happen or come to fruition, unsure of the very connection God intends between myself and certain brothers and sisters I've met along the way, and unsure of how to proceed or find my way in the drab, mundane life all around me.
I declare His Truth and Love as much as possible, especially over myself, but a lot of times I struggle to find the Truth I long for in my soul…whether it be the contentment in Him I so long for or the companionship of who He created for me and me for. I find myself in a whirlwind of thoughts, most of the time how I came up with them in the first place, or how in the world I'm going to get to Ireland later this year.
My funds run so close to barren the entire Sahara desert laughs in my face and I have to wipe the sand from my eyes. I'm so close to tears at any given moment, I'm afraid I could drown in my sleep if tears began unawares.
I know some will think I'm just trying to get sympathy, but to be honest all I desire is Him, all I long for is His presence to be so present with me I am unable to deny it, or not see it, or turn from it. I desire for my heart to beat in-tune with His and be so content in Him I can rest against Christ's breast, while we sit at the table to converse together. I long, yearn for such closeness with my Creator.
To sum up I have been asking God for $100,000 to a) take care of the pesky student and parent-plus loans still outstanding, b) allow me to publish our poetry book we wrote together, and c) will take care of the next two years of my life, while I am in Ireland and still allow for me to provide for other brothers and sisters along the way. Will you join me in this prayer and also pray I rest in Him enough to truly find my contentment in Christ every step I take??
If God presses it upon your heart to give, then please message me at [email protected] or by clicking 'Contact Me' on the left tab…
…or go to ajwagoner.com and click the 'Be a Pillar' tab at the top left of the blog….
…or for Ireland, then click the 'Support Me' tab on the left-hand side of this blog.
Above all, please pray for me and that I truly rest in God and be content in Him. Thank you!
Let all grace and peace be unto you, my brothers and sisters! May God richly bless each of you, even for just taking the time to read these posts about my life recently.
I thank each of you with the full depths of my heart, especially for reading about where I'm struggling right now. God Bless!
