Alright so here we finally are… I am home. I have actually been home for almost three months now but couldn’t for the life of me bring myself to post about it, or really talk about it much at all. At first, I thought I would give myself a few days to process and readjust to being back home, then that turned into a few weeks, which turned into a few months and then I could never bring myself to do it. Other members of my team were posting coming home blogs that included revelations they were getting from God, and how they were coping and what God was teaching them. Everyone seemed to be processing the trip, and the way it ended, and they seemed to be moving on. Everyone seemed to be getting peace and comfort from God, some kind of understanding and answers. But I couldn’t. I came home and I had never felt farther from God, or from anyone in my life really. I was mad, I was hurt, I was confused, I felt abandoned by God, and I was so lonely.
Let me go back a little and set the scene for you. For almost 6 months I had been praying and preparing for one thing. I knew with all confidence that God called me to the mission field. I knew with complete clarity the Lord was calling me and preparing me for this specific trip. I fundraised and I trusted God more than I ever had before. I watched as He provided funds I thought would have been impossible. I watched as every fear and obstacle was moved in a way that could only be orchestrated by God. I headed to training camp and met the most amazing group of people that became my new family. Then we headed to central America where we expected to be for the next 3 months. We found our new home, not in a place but in each other. I learned about God in new and amazing ways. I learned and watched God move. I saw healing and miracles. I heard Gods voice clearly in ways I never had before. I was challenged and pushed out of my comfort zone. God was breaking down walls I had built up around my heart. I was letting people in closer than I ever had before. I was experiencing God in beautiful ways and let me tell you I was falling head over heels in love with God all over again and I couldn’t get enough. I saw God in everything, every person, and every situation. I heard his voice everywhere I went, and I was learning to feel his spirit in everything I did. I felt purposeful and loved, and I knew I was where I belonged, doing what I was created to do. I wanted to do it forever. And then things begin to change. COVID-19 begins spreading around the world. But honestly, it didn’t really affect us at first. We would hear about it slowly, but things weren’t changing much at all where we were. After a while I would hear from my family that schools were closing, and businesses were shutting down and all they could do was stay home. But it was weird, almost like watching a movie. Things were going crazy all over the world, but there wasn’t a single case, or single thing different in Nicaragua at the time. But as things started getting worse, and nations around the world began closing their borders, we knew there was a possibility our time in the field could be cut short, but I was sure that God would protect us through the trip. I was boldly declaring that the enemy would not succeed and that since God called us there, He would keep us there. But then the day came when we got the call and they told us we were being sent back home. Guatemala was closing their border and we needed to get home while we could. I was devastated… but not at first. The night we found out we had to come home, my team and I spent hours worshiping God together. We Praised Him for what He had done and that we got to be a little part of that. And we praised Him that through the uncertainty He is still victorious. But then I came home. 6 weeks earlier than expected to be exact. I left the place where I had believed I was called to. I left the place where I learned to love God more than I ever have, and I left the only people who knew exactly how I felt. I came home to a world that had been turned upside down. Everything was closed and everyone was living in fear. I thought I had been exactly where God wanted me, doing exactly what He created me for. All of a sudden, I wasn’t anymore. I was so mad at God. I felt like everything I once knew about myself and about who God wanted me to be was a lie. I stopped trusting that He would follow through. I stopped trusting that He would have a plan for me. And I stopped believing that I was as valued and chosen by God as I once believed I was. I stopped trusting God. I pushed everyone away and I was so lonely. I thought no one would understand, and the only one who completely knew my heart, how I was feeling, and how to help was God. I was so mad and I didn’t want to spend any time talking to Him.
I can’t explain exactly what changed in my heart, or how it happened, but slowly God’s truths broke though the lies. I was hurt because I forgot the authority the God I serve has. My whole life I have been let down and not chosen by the men in my life, and I believed the lies that God was no different, but let me tell you, He is. My God is POWERFUL and VICTORIOUS and MIGHTY and I am so loved by Him. I don’t know what the Lord is calling me to next, but I can say that I am thankful for the way my trip ended. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I learned a lot about the God I serve, and the way He loves me. I spent almost three months angry at God, avoiding him with everything I have in me, and spending all my time planning out a future that relied on my own strength because I stopped believe God would do anything for me. But not once did he waver in his love for me. He waited patiently for me to turn back, and then he chased after me once again.
