So today marks the 251st day that I’ve been on the World Race. That’s like 9 months. 9 MONTHS!!! You would think I have it together; that I’m doing great. I mean I’ve been living the iconic missionary life that many people dream of. I’ve taken cold showers, slept on dirty floors, and have woken up drenched in sweat more times than I can count. I’ve eaten bugs, raw chicken, and even cow lung. I’ve painted buildings, dug gardens, poured concrete, planted trees, delivered goats, picked weeds, pulled teeth, taught English, and shared the gospel. What could get better?
So 251 days later, how’s the missionary life going? Well my relationship with God is honestly strained at best.
How is that even possible??? I literally gave up everything I was comfortable with! I left all my family and all my friends, I left my house with a cozy bed and hot shower, I left American food, I left my ability to drive wherever I wanted, I left ultimate freedom, I left everything I thought mattered.
So I don’t get it… How is it possible to constantly be surrounded by 35 other missionaries, be constantly told to press in, be in constant prayer, be in the word, do ministry, and yet still struggle with God.
Where is this amazing and adventurous life that you promised? Why are you not showing up like I thought you would? Why does this just suck right now? Why the heck am I here? Are you even here?
I feel pretty much the same as I did month 1 in the Dominican Republic, still confused and just trying to figure out how I ended up here. I’ve gone a complete circle. I started this race very doubtful of why I was here and if God even had anything to do with it. It wasn’t until about month 3 that I finally started to believe that this was right. That I had a purpose for being here and that I was genuinely growing. Then Africa came (months 5, 6, and 7). Those were full of me fearfully walking in the authority that God had given to me; the authority to pray for healing and cast out demons. I still honestly struggled with disbelief, but I was able to drown out my own voice and continue to press on. I was making an impact and I could see it.
So now here we are in Asia, month 9. I feel like I’ve relapsed. I’m exhausted and I feel like God is pretty much done showing up. I’ve asked over and over again for it and nothing is changing, so I’m kinda just done asking. We’re at the point in the race with two months left and my thoughts are something like “You can do this. Only two months left. Just fake it ‘til you make it”. I’m pretending.
I have played the role of good, Christian, missionary so long, the true me is buried deep beneath mountains of guilt, shame, and doubt. Each day the lie roots itself deeper in my heart until I can no longer differentiate between the truth and my masterful façade.
So I’m kinda over this. I’m over being uncomfortable all the time. I’m over having to constantly talk about my feelings. I’m over everyone else’s feelings. I’m over acting like this is still fun. I’m over the constant change. I’m over being insecure. I’m over questioning everything. I’m over acting like this is okay. I’m over being over it.
So why in the world am I telling you this? Aren’t missionaries supposed to be filled with hope and joy? Aren’t they supposed to have their lives together if they expect to make an impact on others? Aren’t missionaries suppose to only say positive things and act like everything is great? Why would I ever admit that the missionary life is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Why would I want my family and friends and most importantly, my supporters to think I’m not fulfilling what they expected of me? Why would I ever give people a reason to think that I’m failing? Why would I give people a reason to not believe in me?
Because it’s reality. This is seriously so freaking hard. It’s almost impossible to understand unless you’re here; unless you’ve been doing this for 9 months straight. Imagine never just having a day to yourself to do what you want. Imagine being constantly told to press in. Imagine never getting the opportunity to fully unwind.
Now here’s the big turnaround! Every blog like this has one. The part where I’m suppose to give you the “BUT” statement. The part where I turn everything I’ve said into a lesson. The part where I make you proud again!
Well honestly… I don’t really have one. This is just where I’m at. I mean I’m still alive! I’m genuinely still pretty okay. I still do amazing ministry. I still go on awesome adventures. I still have tons of fun and laugh all the time. And I still share the gospel. It’s inside that my struggle lies, hidden from view of everyone (including myself sometimes).
So what’s my plan? What am I going to do with my last 2 months? Well the iconic race verse in Hebrew 12:1 says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us” So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to persevere!
* Persevere: to continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success.
I’m going to finish what I started. I’m going to continue to fight for it. I’m going to finish this race knowing that I gave it all I had. I’m going to continue making an impact even though it hurts like hell. I’m going to continue to be vulnerable even though I really don’t want to. I’m going to continue to choose to see the bright side.
I’m going to keep going because that’s what I’m called to do.”
And because I watched Batman this week, here’s a quote…
“We fall so that we can learn to pick ourselves up.” – Bruce Wayne
