Wellll definitely didn’t think i’d be sitting here writing this blog. But. Here God has brought me, so here I shall write. To avoid any confusion, let me briefly give you all the details. (if you don’t want to read the whole blog you can kind of read just what is in bold and get the idea, but i encourage you to read!)
Over the summers I am a water ski instructor. Being a water ski instructor can be pretty dangerous, granted, me and my co-workers often times spend our summers working trying to push the limit. The limit of “what is something new we could try to do while being pulled behind a boat.” This limit is pushed pretty much every day while we are working. A few months ago at the beginning of July, we were practicing a ski pyramid for a 4th of July show. It was a 6 man pyramid. I was set to be on the second level of this pyramid. Long story short, we tried it and we did not succeed. We had practiced a couple of other times but this was supposed to be the final practice. Unfortunately, I lost my balance and I fell. The number one rule when doing a ski pyramid is always fall backwards. My friends, I fell forwards. As I was falling, somehow I managed to put my left arm all the way through the ski handle. It got all the way under my armpit and so when i hit the water, my arm basically got pulled off. Not really, but it was pretty bad. That, and the guys on the skis ran over me. Sounds pretty bad right? IT WASS.
Long story short, I basically destroyed my arm. No broken bones, just a lot of muscle and nerve damage. I spent the next month in a sling, and the next six weeks after that going to physical therapy. All the way until it was time to leave for the race. Before I left, my arm wasn’t at 100%, but it was soooo much better than it had been so i was feeling optimistic heading into launch. As we got to Thailand and I began ministry, my arm started to bother me again. Now it was pretty normal for it to ache and be stiff in the mornings, but as the weeks went on I noticed the area that I couldn’t feel in my arm was beginning to grow a bit. My arm would periodically go numb and then cramp up or just be really sore. I fought and I fought to be silent about it and not go to the doctor. But eventually I had to.
The general consensus from the specialist and therapist I saw in Thailand was that i had some pretty bad nerve damage. And that surgery would be needed to fix it. One of the reasons I avoided going to the doctor for so long was because I had a feeling the moment I went and saw a doctor, I would hear those words. I was devastated. Devastated because I knew that surgery would mean going home. And as I write this blog, from home, I can in fact say I was right in that assumption.
Okay so now you know what happened. Now you know that I am home. Now you know why I am home. Surprise! But just really quick, let me tell you about how I feel about it. Because it sucks right? All the planning. All the goodbyes. All the fundraising. All the thoughts about the race, the year long build up. Cut short because of an arm injury. Sound rough doesn’t it?
Well, let me be the first to tell you yes. It is indeed rough. BUT man oh man am I filled with joy.
WHAT?!?! JOY?? IN A TIME LIKE THIS???
YESSSS.
Filled with joy because God is moving people! I have no idea how and I have no idea why. But trust me when I say God’s hand is over this whole situation. I spent a lot of time struggling to understand why I was going home and why God even got me to the race in the first place. Every thought was why why why why.
About a year ago I was asking God the same thing. Why why why. Why the world race? Why do I have to lose my comfort? Why are you calling me to something I can’t do? And through my desperate prayers then, He said, “Just wait, and watch what I can do.” And boy oh boy did He do some things. He moved in ways I never thought were possible. (It’s funny that when we look back we can see the way God moves in our lives, but while He is moving we are so focused on why, we miss it.) And so there I was again, asking Him why why why. Frustrated, confused, and dare I say angry. Thats right angry. But in the midst of all of it, God convicted me. He reminded me of the last time I was asking Him all my why’s. He reminded me of the ways He was moving then. He asked me why I think He can’t do the same thing now. If he is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, why should my yesterday be any different than my today or tomorrow. What I am trying to say is that God knew, in the midst of all my confusion and frustration a year ago, what was happening. And in the middle of another painful sucky situation, He is moving again.
Now I will be the first to tell you that I have no idea what he’s doing. But I’m okay with it. God knows and that is enough. Yes I could be angry and frustrated and confused, but that’s not who God is! Our God is not a God of anger or confusion or frustration. No! He is a God of hope and joy and so so so much goodness. And so I am resting in that. Yes it sucks. It does. Definitely not a part of my plan. But something God is showing me is that it’s not about my plan, its about His.
And so here I am. Jet lagged beyond belief, alone for the first time in like two months lol, and just expectant with what the Lord is going to do in this time. He is painting a beautiful picture for me to hang on my wall someday. I am ready to hang that picture up now. But like a good artist, He is making sure it is perfect before He gives it to me to hang up. Making sure every detail is just right, making sure the paint is evenly spread. And so like a good customer, respectful of the painter’s work, I sit here, patient because I don’t want an unfinished painting. But also, excited and expectant because man oh man I can’t wait to hang it on my wall one day so everyone can see what a FREAKING GOOD PAINTER HE IS.
So, moving forward as it pertains to my future. I honestly have no idea. I don’t know whats next. Well I mean what’s obviously next is to heal my arm and get it back to normal. But beyond that…not sure. If my arm heals in time I will be heading back to the field with my squad. Thats the goal. But if that doesn’t happen my blog will be the first to know. Right now, I am just trying to count everything joy. Don’t want to miss the joy God brings in the present by analyzing my future. I don’t know, but God does.
So yeah! This is my blog to say I’m home now. Hoping to get better and get back at it! If you have any questions please feel free to reach out! Prayers are also much appreciated. To my awesome squad, in the short time we had together you guys impacted me in ways I can’t explain. I love and miss you. You are changing the world. You are qualified. Hope to see you soon! To the boys, take care of one another, make sure Jesse doesn’t wander too far. To friends and family back home, woohoo can’t wait to see you. I know you have questions about me being home. I’m here to answer. But don’t be afraid to ask me about how God moved while I was in Thailand!
To God, Father I thank you for all You have done and all You continue to do. I want Your plan and not mine. Amen.
