Yep, this is another honest, soul bearing post for me…
I can’t quite understand it. Usually when I leave, whether to college, Thailand or on the World Race, at this point where my departure is so imminent every fiber of my being is itching to be on that airplane, itching to go.
But this time is different. Instead there is this feeling, emanating from the pit of my stomach telling me to run the other way. What the heck?
From the moment I got confirmation while we were in Thailand I wanted nothing more than to be on Bolivian soil, but now, less than two weeks from my “date” I wish the days would drag on longer. “What another week has gone by already? No!”
What the heck is my problem?
Initially this feeling scared me out of my mind. Had I made a wrong decision? Had I been listening all wrong? Was I to eager? To excited? Dear God please tell me I’m on the right path. Tell me this is right…
It turns out me fear was warranted, because my problem is fear.
Somewhere in the last couple months my confidence had gotten shot out the window. As I began to imagine my life in Bolivia the more and more fearful I became and those nasty little “what if’s” snuck back into my vocabulary.
What if I don’t grasp spanish quickly enough?
What if I don’t love it like I did before?
What if I don’t have any friends?
What if I never figure out how to make a cappuccino?
What if I don’t love it like I did before?
What if I hate working in the coffee shop?
What if I’m always lonely?
What if I don’t love it like I did before?
What if I don’t love it like I did before….
A few days ago I posted a blog about how different this time around is going to be. This time I won’t have my world race family. I wont have my sisters. We won’t have nightly feedback… In that blog I stated I was still excited despite how different it’s going to be. Now I realize how premature that statement was. I said it because I knew that’s what people would want to hear, not because it was the true feeling on my heart. My heart still screamed that question, what if I don’t love it like I did before?
And the thing is, I don’t have an answer to that question but I do have a solution for my fear.
It’s high time that I SURRENDERED it all. Not just bits and pieces, ALL OF IT. I’m giving my time in Bolivia to you God. Every hour, every minute every breath and word. I will be OK if I don’t love it like I did before, because I know you have a perfect plan in everything. I trust that you will help me become fluent in Spanish quickly. I trust that you will put me into the ministries and position I will be most effective in. This year is for you Jesus. I’m not going for me. I’m going for you. Take it.
Already I have this huge weight off my chest. It’s amazing what surrendering can do. We were never meant to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. I can’t beleive I’ve been walking around bearing that burden for so long now.
So I go into today knowing that there are good things in store and this time I can honestly say that I’m excited!
