Our very first Sunday in Cambodia, almost three months ago, a big group of people decided to go to the YWAM church in Battambang. I remember walking in late and feeling so out of place, having no idea what was going on, and on my fourth day in a brand new country being incredibly overwhelmed. This Sunday Moriah and I went back to the YWAM church and it was so interesting how incredibly different my perspective is. I just felt at home, feeling so much peace being with my brothers and sisters in my Father’s house. During the service, the pastor was preaching about a spirit of gratitude and he told us to turn to the person next to us and tell them what Jesus has done in our lives. And without even thinking I turned to Moriah and said “Jesus took away my anxiety.” Woah, did I really just say that? When did that happen, and how am I just now coming to this realization?
Anyone that knows me knows that I have always been anxious to the core. From the time I could speak, I was worrying and obsessing over worst case scenarios. I had innumerable fears ranging from going under train bridges when a train is passing to sitting too close under fireworks on the Fourth of July. I have always let these little fears control how I lived my life, I let the little things become the big things and would miss out on so much because it was easier to hide from the world and all the fear that it caused me than to face it. All the glory to God that somehow He put the desire in me, having barely left New England, to leave everything I had ever known and live in foreign countries for nine months. Coming into the race I was terrified, how would I be able to do this if my worst fears lurked around every corner? Would I live the whole race in fear? Would I be a burden to my team? How would I be able to spread the gospel if I’m afraid of talking to people? I remember one night at training camp I fell to my knees during worship, crying out to God knowing that I didn’t have the strength for this trip. I felt a hand on my shoulder and one of my squad leaders, Luis, said “Alyssa, God knows you’re not strong enough, but He is and He will give you the strength.” I held fast to this promise so many times between training camp and launch when doubt started to creep in and it was hard not to believe the lies that I wasn’t capable of thriving on this trip. Then at launch, God made another promise to me. During worship on our last night in America, my squad mentor Deb, came over to me and told me that God has healing in store for me this year. At the time this promise brought me so much peace, knowing that God would take away my anxiety, something I had been praying for for months. But as the time passed and months 1 and 2 slipped away I kept waiting for some miraculous moment. I pictured God lifting a physical weight off of me, that in a single moment I would be healed and made new.
So now 3 months in had I forgotten these promises that God had made me, doubting His faithfulness or had I just been too busy waiting for a miracle to happen that I missed the miracle God has been working in me every day for months now. Because sometimes miraculous healing does happen over night, it happens in an instant. And sometimes healing is a long walk with God, a process that He works in us for weeks, months, or even years and I am coming to learn that this doesn’t make it any less miraculous. Because He is the God who has the power to do both but what a beautiful blessing it is that He has chosen to walk along side me, letting me fail and learn as I go. God is taking away my anxiety every day. He is healing me and shaping me and speaking peace over me the more I take the time to listen. For so long I have made anxiety a part of my identity but as I lay my old self down at His feet everyday the more I learn to step into whop the Lord has created me to be. I am His BOLD and CAPABLE daughter.
