That is one of my favorite quotes from Beauty and the Beast… but I find it very easy to keep thinking that to myself lately. Let me tell you why…
My life was a picture of a cold day in the park, before winter is truly gone and spring hasn’t quite arrived.
In this moment I am hanging out in a park such as this. There are dead leaves littering the ground, the trees are bare. There are no children playing. I know the potential this place has, but it isn’t right in front of me so I can’t quite see it. There are birds somewhere, they are heard but unseen as they are tucked away in their nests keeping warm. Death. Sorrow. Grief. Loneliness. This place is overrun by these things. I’m here alone. Just sitting with thoughts that are not my memories of what it probably looked like last summer. It is in this place I realize, this is a lot like me. It is a lot like who I’ve been and what I absolutely cannot go back to. It is a place where I cannot even dream that it will ever be sunny and warm again, even though eventually it will come… whether I believe it or not. But the loneliness, sorrow, overwhelming grief, and death… I can’t go back.
Lucky for me seasons don’t change in reverse order. Spring will come, and is coming, with promise and with hope. Track with me for a minute as I use the overused analogy of seasons to explain my emotional/spiritual life.
When I arrived in Georgia last September I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Spring was just beginning in my life (even though the reality was fall). The people I have come to love so much here helped usher in the spring in my heart. They brought sunshine and warmth and joy and laughter and steadiness and peace. When spring turned to summer (and the real season to winter) we sweat (emotionally and spiritually) together through the refining flames. We spent our time in each other’s presence, enjoying each other’s company to the fullest extent. Just the way things happen in the summer, you soak up the sunshine, the heat, and as much time with your besties as you possibly can. Then the spiritual summer ended (as winter in Georgia was still hanging around). It was like fall. Things were getting dreary and the things I thought people brought into my life weren’t satisfying anymore. Not because of them, but because I was looking to people to fulfill those things, and they couldn’t fulfill a desire that was from a different place. They couldn’t fill a desire to spend my time in the sunshine, joy, steadiness, and peace that only comes in Christ. I was okay though. I was okay in the fall. I love the fall. There is a joy it brings me that really nothing else can. I was able to rest in the cooler temperature, the refining flames of summer had gone, and I was just relaxing in what God had done. So now I’m caught in a strange winter. As Georgia tries to decide if it wants to turn into spring, my spiritual seasons are catching up with the natural seasons. In this winter place I’m cold. I’m weary. Longing for the spring and the sunshine to come back. But at the same time only wanting the memories of last –spiritual– spring. I don’t want the imminent transition to happen. My fear is that God is going to leave me hanging out in the winter all alone, but that he will take the people I care about to their new seasons of spring and summer apart from me. That somehow I won’t get my spring, that God won’t bring the joy and hope that I KNOW comes with spring. I want to cling to what has been working. Kind of in the idea that “if it’s not broke, don’t fix it.” But I know that isn’t possible.
If I could have one wish granted it would be to have all the people I love within a fair enough drive of each other. As selfish as that sounds, I just love to love people. I like to go deep with people and when I let people into my heart, it isn’t always easy to depart from proximity to them. I struggle to maintain long distance friendships sometimes.This time while I have been at CGA, I have walked through more about who I am, more depth in relationships with people, more freedom, and more intimacy with the Lord. The people who have walked through this stuff right next to me since I’ve been here have been absolute troopers and I am so thankful for them. They have a deep place in my heart that few people have gotten to. I’ve shared things with them that I have never been able to share with anyone. It makes me sad that we are all making preparations for what the next season holds for us. Internships that may or may not take us around the US/around the world, jobs, families, more travel, building the kind of community we have here in new places… all of that freaks me out. I don’t want to think about it, but it comes up almost every day.
I have a few ideas of what my next season may hold, but nothing is set in stone… heck nothing is even really set in anything other than thoughts and dreams. I know the things that I cannot go back to though. For one, I know I can’t move back to Michigan. There is nothing against the people who live there, my family/friends, the church families I have been blessed with, or the state itself, but I know that for me to move back would be a terrible life choice. I would not be able to thrive there. God has made that quite clear. If I were to go back, emotional winter would set in and I would have squandered all of the growth I’ve had in the last seven months. I am so grateful that the Lord never stopped pursing my heart to get me to come to Georgia. I am taking courage and heart in the fact that He will continue to do that no matter where I am or who is surrounding me. Eventually I will have consistency in the people who are in close proximity. Until that time comes I will continue to love the people He puts in front of me.
As these seasons just keep on changing with no regard for my desire for them to change or not, I am encouraged with hope. Hope that what is coming is even better than what has already come. Hope that the new people who come into my life will be solid and will love me even better than I thought possible (this one always happens). Hope that the plans of my Abba are greater than anything I could even possibly dream, but also, hope in the fact that he takes my dreams into consideration then explodes them even bigger than I thought.
On a side note, I know that I talk about funding a lot… Trust me, I’m hyper aware. I won’t be getting a stipend next month because I am behind in my funding for CGA. Between the amount I am behind and so that I can have two months ahead in my account, I need about $1500 in order to be able to receive my stipend [that means I get to eat]. So, please consider donating to this season I’ve been in. I am extremely blessed by this life I live. I know that it isn’t something everyone has the opportunity to do. I am so thankful for those of you who have donated. Thank you so much for how you are choosing to invest in what I am doing for the Kingdom.
Second side note, I am no longer going to Guatemala. God has brought so much peace about me not going though. It was in His best plan for me to stay here in Georgia, seek Him through a snow storm, press in to the plans that He did have for me here, and rejoice in the calling of new people to go. If you donated towards that trip, your funds have just gone into my CGA account.
Much love,
-A
