Below is a journal entry I wrote the other morning when I woke up after staying out all night for bar ministry. I hope that it allows you to see just a little more of my heart and what God is teaching me. (In case you don’t pick it up, all my journal entries are written as a conversation to Jesus, so read it like that).
My heart is broken.
You have wrecked it Jesus.
I know that I prayed for you to wreck me this month Jesus and I know that I wanted my heart broken and drawn to compassion, but this is hard. I need You. I sit here desperate for you to fill me again. I am on empty. But that is how it is supposed to be right? I am filled to be emptied again. If I wasn’t in this place, I wouldn’t need You. If loving hard didn’t empty me, I would have no need for dependence on You. That is the place You have brought me to. Complete dependence on You and who You are to me. You are my everything and right now I just need to sit at the feet of my Jesus. I just woke up and could tangibly feel what people that don’t know You feel. I felt an emptiness that I have never felt before. I grew up knowing You were always there. I know that You are close. You are in me and You are not leaving my side through this. And this is what you want me to see and feel right? You want me to feel the darkness that has so many people so entangled in this lifestyle we see night after night.
The women dancing that are desperate to provide for their families…I feel Your love for them and I even see You in them and their hearts.
The men who are so drunk that they are stumbling in and out of different bars looking for women that will satisfy their needs…I feel their emptiness and You make me wonder what their stories are.
Oh but you let me talk to my new friend Jasper at 6:30 am this morning and let me hear his story and ask him hard questions about his life. He didn’t want You at all, but that is okay. I will continue to pray for him. Let Him find freedom in You Jesus.
Then there is the 14 year old girl (that really looked like she was 10) we met at 6 am sleeping in a side car in the streets while her daddy scavenges for recyclables so he can provide food for his family. Her smile was sweet. She has dreams. Dreams that don’t include working in a bar or selling herself for a living. Jesus, protect her from that life. May she pursue her dreams to be a teacher.
What about the 2-year old that has already been trained to approach the foreigners for money. Money that I didn’t even bring with me to give so all I have to offer is a smile and a hug in the moment.
My sweet flower ladies. I love them all. They love us and remember us all because we stopped to talk to them on Valentines day and give them flowers. Who knew something as simple as a flower with an encouraging note would bloom such amazing friendships. Their stories are just as heartbreaking. Abusive husbands, kids they need to take care of by selling their flowers. They are such giving people too.
You give me You heart for them. I have no condemnation for what they are doing because am so heartbroken that their heart longings have brought them to this place to fill the void only You can fill.
But you also let me cry at 5 am in the middle of McDonalds with my teammate after we realized how many divine appointments you had for us tonight. We almost chose to sleep until 5 am and only go to breakfast with our friends. We would have missed so much last night if we had chosen to sleep. Thank you for keeping us awake.
Our ladyboy friends are amazing. You had us sit and wait at McDonalds until it was time for breakfast for no reason other than to meet them and pour into their lives. Coincidence? I think not.
How can I not be drawn to go out and continually love people?
How can I not want to share what freedom looks like?
You have set me free.
I have so much freedom in You it is unbelievable, I smile when I think about it, but that did not come over night. It has been a life process and really a process that has taken place over the past 8 months. You have set me free from sin, guilt and shame. You have loved me and now I am here to love them. My heart is sad that there are so few people going into the bars to minister to our friends and their friends. Who will continue to make friends with them and share You with them? Isn’t that one of the places that You would be? You wouldn’t avoid it. They are so intrigued by our stories.
They need freedom.
They need hope.
They need You.
This is my first time fully understanding what it looks like. I know I have loved well in the other countries we have been to, but not like this. Not with the urgency that I have here. I don’t ever want to lose this compassion You have given me this month. Every single day of my life, I want You to draw me to a place that sees people the way that You see them in a way that drives me to do something about what is happening around me.
This life You have me living is beautiful.
It is messy.
It is full of You.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I finally feel like I get what life is all about.
